fuck today

Yea Yea u can say it. I told u so they u told me he isnt good for me. He's an asshole worthless mean but i never listen. I always say this time will be different hes not that bad. But its never different its always bad gets worst everytime. I dont know what to say anymore. I'm sick of saying the samething everytime. I'm sick of being the one who crys their eyes out. He feels nuthin. Everytime i see him I try to forget to pretend, and it usually works. Until he says he hates me and I make him miserable all the time. It cant be true cuz an hour before he was laughing and having a good time. He just wants to hurt me and he does. It's pointless loving someone like that. Just plain pointless.

Well this is 2008 a disappointment. Hopefully 2009 can make me happy.

Jeremy's

Been at Jeremy's playing rock band 2. We got so tired from it we fell asleep. It was three in the morning when I woke up again. Jaden had found his way to us and slept with his blanket on the floor. Im glad my son is smart enough cuz I was knocked out. He was kinda crabby but its ok. Now im still at his house playing rock band 2 but im doing vocals and my voice is dying and i sound like shit. We ordered pizza too. Im probably gonna be here for new years too.

iTouch

I just got my new iTouch via FedEx. I'm so excited but it sucks to cuz I just got a bank account and I have to wait to make an iTunes account so I dont have any apps. :(

Im bored

I'm so bored! There no school no daycare and Jaden 24/7 in my house not good. It is so messy theres no way I'm cleaning it to just get even messier tomm. I need to set an appt. for Jaden's daycare. He is the crazy wild child and I'm the laid back parent.

So me and Fred been talking pretty regularly now. I can actually IM him without being scared and waiting hours until I get the courage to. He actually told Tim he wished I didnt still do shit with Jeremy.
He said it makes being with me empty. Ok so Fred likes me. Me and Fred have been hanging out since Jeremy told me he never wanted to be with me again. Though now things have changed with Jeremy. And I dont know what to do about Fred cuz Jeremy still wont go out with me but I have more of a chance now. Now i feel like I'm juggling two guys which i hate doing. But I like hanging with Fred though Tim hates it. He feels like i forget about him when Fred is around. He hates Fred even though Fred basicly lives with him. idk idk

Jeremy is coming shortly so I can play with the Christmas gift I got him ROCK BAND 2!

crazy night

Had christmas part 2 with Jaden at my parents house. Then Jeremy picked up Jaden cuz its his weekend. I went and setup my first checking account. Then went and looked at phones. I want quickfire but there could be a lot of problems. and i dont kno if i could afford it. I hung out with Fred too when we went back to tim's house. Tim doesnt like it so much, but i like hanging with Fred.  me and sandi took some pics
AT&T Quickfire

Christmas

good family time got lots of presents and cash. then saw yes man with tim and fred. Jeremy was being a jerk this morning.  Me and Fred got in a fight. Then had a long talk and god he is just so different and i like being around him. Fred told me that he likes me and it made me happy and sad and worried all at once. Then Jeremy came over and we had a talk about me and Fred and whats going on.

Holiday

Its christmas eve. I wish Jeremy would want to spend the holidays with me. He's taking Jaden after my family finishs with dinner. Then I'm proably sleeping over my parents house. Then I need to spend time with Timmy.

I'm feeling better about me and Jeremy at least for now.

Me and Tim are drifting apart.

Got closer to Fred but these things never last

Men

Fred has been making me feel pretty good lately.  Im in love with Jeremy but still it's nice to hear nice things. Tim has confessed his love for me yet again.  Fred said he is gonna see me today but I kinda really doubt it. He wants to see a movie which is different than only wanting to screw me.  


TIMMY COMES BACK TODAY HOPEFULLY IF THERE ARE NO DELAYS!!!

He will be coming in hopefully around 6-7 then he's coming to see me. I missed him!

The best of both worlds

After reading KIMBOLACITY    last 2 entries I feel alittle better knowing I'm not the only one in this situation but I still feel so alone. I  hate that Jeremy wants us to bearly talk. It makes me feel insecure and jealous. Cuz if he's not talking to me who is he gonna talk to? i know who ugh. I dont want Jeremy to get closer to anyone while he's trying to push me away. I hate the way he's been acting. Trying to hard for everyone else to frickin like him. I hate that he keeps saying he wants someone to kiss on new years eve who of course isnt me cuz he would never see me. I dont want kissing someone else and i dont want him to want to kiss someone else either. He is tryng to be a flirt and it pisses me off. I want things to change and i dont want to stop until were back together. I mean there is so much change and sacarfic that needs to be made for it to work out. I'm willing to do it if he wants to be with me. I dont want to ruin things between us cuz I love him and we have Jaden.  Its so hard to not hold a grudge but im mad that he doesnt want to be with me and i show it and sound it when we talk. And why shouldnt I be jealous I dont want him talking to other chicks so he can sleep with them(Sabrina) or fall in love with them(drag queen Amalia) or want to cheat on me with(Amber) or just be a moron with(Amy). I'm sort of a hypocrite cuz there have been other guys but I never fell in love or was serious with. I told him I was gonna commit to him and I wasnt with other guys until he told me that he never wants to date me again. God and he doesnt even care.

god damnit

Why does Jeremy have go on and ruin fucking everything? He randomly calls me out of the blue after blocking me and unfriending me. He's also talking to the drag queen Amalia at the same time. He told me what she did to him was so unforgiveable and all this bullshit and now he's all talking to her again. Enjoying it and fucking shit like that. I hate it. I cant fucking stand it. He never acts that way with me. He also has to fight or just judge. Jeremy is so confusing. He gets all mad gets off then an hour later cant sleep and wants me to read to him. Well its nice being needed for something.

sick and tired

wtf is up with Jeremy. First he blocks me from sending him texts, then blocks my screen name, and now unfriends on facebook. I havent talk to him since like like 1 o'clock and nuthin bad was said. He just knows how to make me feel bad for no good reason. I didnt do anything wrong. I can't even talk to him withoout him freaking out twist what I say so I'm the bad guy. Mostly he just assumes shit and gets mad over his own imagination. He says he deletes ppl he doesnt talk to but its bullshit. cuz theres amy,amalia,amber, w/e other stupid nasty bitches who dont give a shit about him and he keeps them. Sigh maybe I should just stop loving him and move on. I hate that I cant even have a nice conv with him about all this. I just miss Jeremy.

Jeremy the love of my life/jerk ex bf

What he said to me last night was the worst thing he has ever said to me. I can't even say it cuz there so much I wouldn't even know where to start. I have never felt so hurt, so betrayed, stupid, pathetic, lonely, unloved, and worthless. He can get mad at me and freak out and block me in 5 minutes now. He treats me shit and I dont even know why anymore. I have no idea what sets him off everytime its so dumb. I can't even talk to him without him telling me he hates me and to fuck off. I try so hard to not get him mad and he always finds a way or an excuse to get mad and ruin everything basicly. I woke up yesterday thinking about going down to Jeremy's work and seeing him. Then i thought he would think im stalking him and tell me to fuck off so I didnt even bother. Though I still wanted to see him so i asked if he wanted to see a movie so we dont have to talk but were still around each other. But he was to upset about these 2 stupid bitches who dont even give a crap about him. I fucking love him so much and he doesnt even believe me. I think that hurts the most. I told him I wanted to get married and be with him forever and he doesnt even care. The only reason I started seeing Fred casually was cuz Jeremy said he never wanted to go out with me again. And now I barely see Fred since I've been seeing more of Jeremy and I dont want to be with anyone else. But, Jeremy doesnt want to be with me and I dont want to move on cuz I love him and wanna be with him. I had hope and after what he said it almost faded away. Jeremy feels like everyone treats him like shit and what that gives him the right to make me feel so low and hate myself for just wanting to talk to him. I tell myself to just get over him, i deserve better that I dont want to be with him. But who am I kidding? of course I want to be with him. I'm just sick of being THAT GIRL, u know what im talking about. The needy ex who can't take a hint, won't leave u alone, and happily finally got rid of. That's how he sees me but thats the last thing I want to be. It's so hard not to talk to him and call him all the time. I already do way to much but I try to keep myself busy so I dont think about him. A lot of the times I think about calling him I call someone else instead. I can't keep doing this. I love him so much but all the love in the world couldnt make him happy. He just doesnt believe me.

I like her

http://kimbolacity.blogspot.com/

I'm that girl

It was hard for me to give him his space; not to call him in the middle of the night when I cried myself to sleep, not to ask him "Are you SURE this is what you want?" or "Why don't you love me anymore?"

I was desperate not to be "that girl." You know the one. The one who can't take a hint. The one who won't leave him alone. The one he's so glad that he finally got rid of. I couldn't be her. Wouldn't.

A Reading from The Book of Tia.

Grocery Shopping (or What I Thought About)

We were grocery shopping at three in the morning
for purple Kool-Aid and a pregnancy test.
I couldn't watch you sleep anymore
And K was revisiting some saccharine childhood craving.
It’s weird how things turn out sometimes.
Like the first time I sat in a Planned Parenthood at 15
wondering how I became “that kind of girl.”
Not knowing where I stand with you makes it worse.
Even though your tongue drips honey coated lies
drips baby I love yous
drips bullshit about your half-assed ambitions
drips sweet silly talk about a future that’ll never be ours.
Complicating it further is that girl we don’t talk about.
Your sixteen year old white trash baby doll lover
whose name is a bad word with your family
after she got you in fights
and in debt
and arrested.
You love her too? Great, good for you.
Lately you've been loving her long-distance from my bed
making me wonder who you’re really thinking of when the lights are out.
But the little girl in me says
please don’t leave me...just hold me a little longer.
And the insecure, quiet teenager in me says
maybe this is as good as it gets.
And the practical college student in me says
I don’t need your broke, going nowhere, out of work, lazy ass.
And the tattooed punk rock band slut in me says
Baby, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone so you’d better enjoy it while you've got it.
You owe me three hundred dollars
and you’re sleeping with someone else
and yet I keep coming back.
Because I feel like slumming?
Because I need some work done on my car?
Or maybe because I hate to feel alone.
The fluorescent grocery store lights hurt my eyes
and nothing will be decided tonight.
Three in the morning has come and gone
here in the frozen food section.
So my body is coming home to you,
but no one touches my soul,
and my pride I left back on aisle five.

Jaden's Birthday

Today is Jaden's 3rd birthday and it was very stressful at the beginning. Jaden had fun with the family and it wasn't bad having my whole family at my place. I had so much things to do and then there was all the Jeremy drama too. He doesnt know when to quit sometimes, but neither do I. I'm just sick of his bipolar behavior and all the fighting. Most of the time I fight with him cuz I'm mad at him for something he did, thinking of doing, or said. Though the big reason is cuz he doesnt want to be with me and I think he should suffer like I do cuz of it.  I mean he still wants to have casual sex like I'm some bootycall and that's it. Just has sex with me then leaves. I dont want that, if I did I would do it with someone who doesn't matter to me. It just breaks my heart, but what am i suppose to do about it? I can't keep refusing him then he will start fucking someone else and I dont want that. And i fucking hate that he doesnt even care I'm with other ppl or if I date someone else. Like he's not in love with me anymore that it doesnt hurt him. w/e it all sucks.

Yesterday

Yesterday was plain crazy. I really dont want to go into details. Oh man!

P.s. its Jaden's Birthday today.  more on that later today

my day

I had two stupid exams today and I totally failed both. Oh well life sucks. I was so fucking tired too. I took a nap during exam 2. Me and Jeremy had random talks fought a little but what's new. Tim came over but I kind of slepted then we went out and bought shit. I needed to get things for Jaden's birthday which is on WEDNESDAY! Its a Go Diego Go theme so far.


I've been tallking to Nick most of the day and I might actually see him. I never see guys, i mean what's the point? I love Jeremy but he made it clear I'm never gonna be anything to him. And all we would do is see a movie, right?

feeling useless

I feel like I dont turn anyone on anymore. Like I'm not even good at anything. And there all gonna leave for something better.

What Happened?

I'm very confused about my day. I was up early to finish signing up for classes and the last thing I remember is eating a toaster strudel. Anyways, the story is I woke up naked on my living room floor at 5:00 pm. I'm very confused about this. Why am i naked? Why am I in the living room? How is it 5 pm? My laptop was dead and when I turned it on I had a milion ims. Maybe I just fell alseep but i usually do that in my bed and shit. I'm just confused. So Jeremy is here now with Jaden. He just woke up after sleeping for like 2-3 hours. He is really annoying. I dont even know why he stayed if all he was gonna do was sleep. Oh wait I know why cuz I asked if he would stay awhile. I dont know why I keep putting myself through this, why do i keep seeing him? Answer: I love him and I want him around. I would even want to get back together sadly. I tried the whole forget about him. I tried playing hard to get. I fail at it all. Maybe if I could play hard to get he would actually want to be around me. Why do I fucking give two shits. He's horrible. I dont like a single thing about him anymore. He has moments of niceness but they fade quickly. I just want him in my life. I hate it. I motherfucking hate it.


Tim also sucks this whole weekend I feel like he's been blowing me off. I cant stand him anymore. He's acting like an asshole cuz I rather have sex with Fred than him. Right now I dont want either one of them.

Testing

Trying to see if I can send blogs through my email.
Hope this works


~ Shirley

New Blog

Well its always good to have more than one blog. I mean most people have more than one social profile, ie facebook, myspace etc. I decided to try this one out. I will probably still use my live journal though.

Anyway,

My day had its ups and downs. Tim was acting bitchy. Jeremy made me feel forgotten. Grant was just his normal odd self asking lots of questions and he said something that upset me and when he realized what he said he apologized a lot lol. I finished all of seasons of How I Met Your Mother so far. Also, I watched shows I missed during the week like Kath & Kim, 30 Rock, and some Law & Order:SVU. I didn't go out today I should of but I never ended up doing so. I would of saw Grant but of course Grant was out of his mind worrying about every little thing to meant he was at the library. We were trying to pick a day to hang but he never thought of telling me to head to the library lol. This Kari Anne chick he's in love with is sort of driving him nuts. She lives forever away and he has no idea how she feels. And he's never done anything with a chick and he's 22. I would of hung out with Sandi but I couldn't find her number.