Hollie Steel - Britain's Got Talent - Show 3

I love these surprise wow people on this show

The World is standing still

I think he just wants to break up. why else will he be acting like this everytime and doing it over & over and being so stubborn where I can't even be near him? When I actually need him he's unreachable, nowhere to be seen or he would just leave anyways. I can't stand that. I leave the room upset and in tears so he just walks out the front door no goodbyes to me or Jaden. Like we don't even matter enough. And I go outside asking why he's leaving begging him to stay come back stop being a stubborn asshole over fucking nuthin. What does he do? He just keeps on walking like I'm not even there outside crying trying to get him to stop leaving again. I'm sick of making a fool out of myself for someone who is bearly apart of my life. The way he is with Jaden sometimes pisses me off cuz he's teaching him wrong and getting to say things he shouldn't. Jaden and Jeremy think its funny when it's not.

I don't feel like i'm in a relationship. I don't feel like his girlfriend. He doesn't treat me like i am. He doesn't treat me special. He doesn't call me when he's worried about me or even worries about me. Like two days ago was the nicest thing he has said to me in a long time.
"I love you more than anything in the world. i love who you are and what you look like."

If only he treated me like he loved me more than anything in the world.

I'm just really sad. Everything is falling apart again. He's doing the same old thing again. I see him even less and talk to him even less cuz of his second job. I'm always alone nowadays. Everyone I want to see is to busy or im not allowed to see them.

I just want things to work out again.

My life is a bore

Boring. Haven't done much. I get to go anywhere with Tim anymore cuz he rather work than do anything with me. Fred has been a bit of a drama queen having fits about everything. Hopefully he will stop cuz it's getting annoying and makes me not want to talk to him. But then he says things and does things that are great.
Jeremy didn't pay his phone bill so no texting or caling him. I bearally get to speak to him and when i need to get a hold of him i can't. Plus when I saw him for an hour yesterday it didn't go well. He just leaves even when I beg him to not go. He doesnt have any time for me. And yesterday it seemed like he had somewhere else to be or someone better to see. I always think the worst.
I have no money. I owe 2 months of rent, cable bill, and i can't buy anything for Jaden cuz Jeremy hasn't paid child support in forever.
Jaden keeps going outside but hopefully I get that problem fixed today.

17 again

Just saw 17 Again. It was good put a lot of things to view. Like getting pregnant in High School but I didn't get married. U think if u could do it all over again that u would still end up making the same choice again. Overall in the movie the choice he made in the first place was the best choice. Being with the love of ur life getting married and having a baby at 17 instead of going to college playing college ball and possibly going pro hmmm........

If u went back in time to redo everything would u change it or would u end up doing the samething without even realizing it?

what's it to u

I saw Hannah Montana the movie! I know ur so jealous. I saw it with Tim who wasn't excited like I was. But over all it was a good movie. I'm feeling really shitty having some problems. I have some Easter candy that me and Tim got at Target for 50%.
Tim has informed me that he's working all the rest of the week from 1-6 :(
Not ok. But it's finally my weekend off even though its not really a weekend since Jeremy doesn't get out of work until like 6ish so he can't get Jaden from daycare.
Jeremy still doesn't have his car but says he will get it tomorrow night at least. Hopefully soon we will spend sometime together.
Still not allowed to see Fred :(

Movies that I want to see this month: Fast & Furious, 17 again and Adventureland

Easter

I went to Jeremy's aunts house for Easter shit this year. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Jaden like always was a pain sometime. Carly was cute and talking to me about anything that pop into her head at the beginning. We ate, we talk, and we saw a really bad movie :)
Carly and Jaden did can Easter egg hunt and it was fun taking pictures of them looking for eggs that me and Jeremy hid in the front yard. Me and Jeremy didnt really fight so that's a plus.

Tim came over after he got home from Boston. Jaden omg i swear i am on my last nerves with him. Talk to Fred a little bit only. I feel bad he never has any good holidays.

OMG! I'm seeing the Hannah Montana movie today with Timmy. Can't wait. Also Target to get Easter candy for a million percent off.  YAY!

Negativity is my life

I haven't been writing in my blog for a while now. I've been to blah to take the time to do so. I was happy, then depressed, then more depressed etc etc. I hate that I was so happy at one point and it all went to fucking shit. These people are all treating me different and my feelings are a mess. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm lovestruck, and I'm fucking hysterical. I'm so stressed and I'm falling apart slowly but surely.

I feel fake. My relationship feels empty like there an outside holding it into shape but nuthin to fill it. My life is backwards. The guy who isn't my boyfriend acts like it and the guy who is my boyfriend doesn't. It's just who they are as people. I can't change them and tell them to snap out of it, ur driving me nuts. I'm just one of those people who still feel lonely in a crowded room.

I feel guilty all the time for thinking these types of things. For talking to Fred all the time instead of Jeremy. Wishing that we could carry on a conversation. How I'm a lousy mother. How I think about dying. How I'm so negative all the time lately.

I don't fator into anyone life other than Jaden's and that's only because he lives with me. It would be a different story if he didn't.

I haven't felt this alone in a very long time.

:(

[Verse 1:]
Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

[Pre Chorus:]
And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

[Chorus:]
And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you into my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

[Verse 2:]
Damn,
Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you

[Pre Chorus:]

[Chorus:]

[Ad libs]

[Chorus:]

Lady GaGa - Poker face Rock cover

awesome love this song