"what do I feel? Like a loser who can’t seem to get a grasp on her emotions. Why me? I don’t deserve shit like this, all my life, I was thrown shit at, I went through everything, I know how to stay..."
So i can't talk to someone i love. Just seeing the words he types even if hurtful is all i have left. I never wanted things to be so bad between us and I wanted to make things right. But i can't control myself enough to not force my eagerness to talk upon him. He won't talk to me if I'm nice and asking about his day. And then when i finally get so mad cuz he can just ignore me so easy then he wants to just tell me off. I don't even know what to do. I really hate this, u have no idea how much pain i'm in/feel. I've never felt depressed like this.
People wonder why I try to be emotionless and why in relationships i'm not the best cuz showing interest and love to someone gives them the power to hurt u. I'm not as strong as i would like others to believe i am. When i fall for someone i fall for them hard and its impossible to shake it off. It's no excuse. It's half my fault. It takes 2 to tango.
We were never prefect and after time things got to a routine, but now i miss that more. i like simple low key things i never wanted much, knew money was an issue. People take things for grant wish i hadn't. I love him and that's how it will always be. I don't want to use him. I don't want to feel like a dirty little secret like I use to feel with him. I wanted people to know i was with him and he still cared enough to be with me even if just sexual. He didnt want anyone to know we were together, what we were doing cuz he cares only about the bad people say.
I don't want to be forgotten by him. Thats why i text him just letting him know I'm still here waiting to be loved.
