im just depressed

that title pretty much says it all. I havent felt like writing cuz what is there to write about. my life is boring. I fight with tim and jeremy. Jeremy isnt my boyfriend. Fred isnt my boyfriend cuz of me. tim is mean and i have no money. I have no food in my house bearly. i cant even use my can opener. Jeremy is way behind on his child support and i need to buy pull ups and new clothes for jaden. school sucks. gym makes my legs hurt. and im just in a bad mood and wanna bitch.

boring snow day

no school
no daycare
no going out
no fun
no gym
bearly any food
or
drink
computer
movies
and
Jaden

That's my day

summary of today

I was out all day classes back to back. might drop one or two add some new ones. i was tired hunrgy and my feet hurt. i took the bus to my parents and ate a huge thanksgiving like dinner turkey and all. no gym cuz jeremy needs to save gas. now im home watching things i missed yesterday. the power of online and downloading. Saw The Duchess today.

hate tim

I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM
I HATE TIM

also not a fan of Jeremy for what happened today. if he doesnt ever wanna be with me then he should know he cant keep doing this.

SUCK IT! Lily style

(Jeremy will probably be mad about this entry cuz of the "personal things" he said that I copied into this entry but im upset and having the worst day so i say fuck it deal with his bullshit tomm. If he even cares)

When I think me and jeremy are getting closer, he says something that just ruins all the good moments we have been having. I hate myself for having feeling for him.  Again that stupid Amber bitch said something that upset me. And I said it to him and not her and he still defends her over me. I fucking cant stand he knows that. he's a jerk. oh well, i will do whatever i please he says. I couldnt even talk to fred without him getting mad today and after he found out fred slept over he got mean. Wouldnt talk and said i was acting like a skank and wouldnt come back over cuz i would just talk to fred.

Shirley is in need of a boyfriend. 1:04pm - Comment - Show Comments (3)

 Kimberly Texidor at 1:26pm January 25

Girl please, you can do bad all by your damm self!!

 Shirley Carmona at 1:30pm January 25

a boyfriend would be nice though

 Timothy Cotton at 5:16pm January 25

omg cry you could have one if you were not so stuck on someone who no longer wants to be one.

 

tim is right sadly. I treat Jeremy like he's my boyfriend and its pointless. Jeremy said and I quote

"at this point
i want to like you more than i actually do
and this is why
you need help
you have issues
and you know it"

so i have issues now. Yea im emotional but thats it. What kind of meds are gonna help me. The get my ex bf to wanna be with me pills? come off it. 

So I start class in 12 hours and I really dont wanna go at all. Its cold and the bus will be packed and I hate waiting. Plus not sure how to get to my class and I hate Umass.

gym

The gym is the devil i tell u. My body is so sore. But i got a membership ship and im not gonna waste 10 bucks a month to never go. Its not bad and I have always gone with Jeremy cuz he also has a membership and he gives rides. yesterday we worked out for 2 hours. I almost died! my legs were like jello seriously.  The place is nice too. Its one big room with different areas. Jeremy told me to do all these leg exercises. I had to use all these leg machines when I could bearly walk as is. Its hard to go everyday cuz of Jaden and now I start school tomm.

crap

My love life isnt going so well. Got in huge fights with all three of my exs, first Jeremy then Tim, now Fred. Its annoying and confusing. can u really be friends with ur exs? cuz two out of three wanna be with me. Though all 3 would be mad if i dated someone else and same goes for me. I dont wanna hurt any of them. But i cant help but do that.

mad

I'm so mad at Jeremy. He totally ruined the day and for no reason at all. I can't stand it. He can just leave me crying and not even care. He freaks out at me then gets ms cuz I have no idea then leaves cuz I'm asking WTF! He's a jerk. I didn't do anything and he leaves and blows off our plans. then texts saying he's going to kassy and we will go to the gym later. then I find out he goes without me for 2 hours. I don't even wanna see him at all. What the fuck was he thinking?

Ahh

so tim is being a jerk

Jeremy picked up jaden from daycare and me and him hung out. went to subway. walmart, and dicks. I got some gym clothes. Me and him both got a memebership at planet fitness and then worked out a little.
It was nice.

After reading Kim's entry bathing in a tub of confusion I started thinking about Jeremy. He is so confusing. I get depressed most times i see him cuz i dont understand. Its been 5 months and I still dont even know why he hates me so much. Lately we been getting along but it doesnt usually last long. He will block me again and say he hates me so much and it sucks. I just want things good.

Tim is coming over and im going to kill him while eating mcdonalds

me and jeremy

Another weird day. started bad in the am but good now. just wish we could be together. instead he doesn't have a problem telling ppl we are never getting back together. :'(

midnight

its midnight jaden drove me crazy. I really need to clean this whole week. And Im suppose to get my new phone tomorrow! YAY! hopefully it comes even if it is a holiday.

Damn Jeremy

Mine and Jeremy's non relationship is to focus on sex. Not loving sex but dirty dominating sex. Though I do love it there are times when I want more out of it. I don't feel special or even liked. Role playing shit is fun where I'm a cock whore and need to be punished LOL. I don't even know how to have loving sex, make love.
Sex and Reality are two different things and I don't want my dirty sex life made into a reality where they think I'm actually that. Guys are stupid sometimes. I been with guys who won't call me those names during sex cuz they dot think of me that way so I have some faith.

Sleepover

So umm Jeremy is sleeping over and so far not going so well. He keeps calling me fat, And he came into my room and got way to close to me so i back up and he said " dont flatter urself thinking I came in for u," then picked up his cup. Yeah and he wonders why i call him an ass. He needs a good punch in the balls. We are not talking and he has fallen asleep. I'm so watching desperate housewives season 2 all night my download is almost finished.

jerk bitch slut

Jeremy is bored. nothing to do but clean. 3:21pm

Amber Broussard at 3:27pm January 16

i can change that ;)

Jeremy Lewis at 3:27pm January 16

(^_^)

sad thing tim told me all the shit she was saying about Jeremy. god she rather do tim than jeremy.  god she hates her bf so what. god i hate her, i hate when ppl do things just to piss me off. I tell her to back off yesterday and what does she do, a piece of work that slut is.

Horny

Im so horny! God, i wish Jeremy was around. sigh

Jeremy Goals

I thought of being more supportive of Jeremy and his goals but at this point in time it seems useless and i dont want to lie to him. He doesnt care what I think just what everyone else does. Also, he doesnt take interest in my life. I support him having goals and being motivated in getting his goals. But why a motorcycle. Yeah there cool and people look cool on them, but there dangerous. And i dont want someone i love driving around in one expectly reckless Jeremy. Though I have to admit i would like to try it out but thats it. I just dont trust Jeremy enough to be a serious driver who wont get hurt. Even if i tell him to drop dead doesnt mean i want him too. I just wish things with him were different where i can actually talk to him about these kind of things without him freaking out saying i cant tell him what to do. I would like to talk to him about my goals but to him everything i do/say/like is stupid or retarded. And I probably wouldnt be able to cuz he's always judging me, which i probably do to him. Its an annoying cycle what he does to me I do to him then gets mad at me for doing it when he already does it to me and thats perfectly fine.

Side note:

Phone should be here today or tomorrow. I already got my new number, its not hard so I might be able to remember it.

happy

I'm happy right now at this moment in time.

Seeing Timmy in a few!!

Rejected

Well Jeremy finally decided on facebook. And it was a big fat rejection. I dont know why I excpeted different. He stays friends with skanks and people who dont even talk to him and think hes a creep. Oh w/e gotta stop caring so much about him and focus on my new relationship with Fred.

Side note:
He asked that slut Amber for Bushey's email. Why would he need a drug dealers email? sigh, but why his email? It's not like i can ask him cuz he would freak out so here i am wondering......

Need to talk to Fred asap!!!

Cell Phone

I just bought a new cell phone. I havent had one in forever. I cant wait until I get it. So excited bitches!!

I hate when I forget, venting helps

Jeremy made me remember again how stupid and childish he is. I mean on come I said u shouldnt be talking to that drag queen  who  u were in love with. Yea so what, I say Tim shouldnt be talking to Fred and its not like im serious or a big deal. I'm so sick of the way he responds to things. Saying fuck off bitch and that i shouldnt be telling him what he should or shouldnt do. Though he just told me to fuck off and not say anything to stop talking and fuck off and I'm suppose to do it no questions nuthin. Just drop everything and fuck off. what a fucking hyppcrite. I mean im not saying im not one but he gets so mad everytime i say he shouldnt do something but every second i should do this do this. eat this way fuck off now not talk anymore. I shouldnt be here getting upset cuz he called me a bitch just to hurt my feelings. I hate that he just blocks me or gettings off when i say why are freaking out? or why are u mad? or what is ur deal? Like i really dont understand the need to go nuts over something so dumb. He makes bad choices, he over thinks, he has a horrible temper, and basicly as everyone says a creep. I mean i love him but the way he talks to people and comments on people things is creepy. I mean i never thought he was creepy creepy until a lot of people kept saying to me what's with Jeremy hes acting like a creep. I mean at Sandi's birthday i heard it a lot from Aly.  Overall sometimes I wish I could act more like him cuz he doesnt care about anyone really and doesnt act like me when i hurt him. I just wanna make things right and have him not mad at me and tell me what is going on. But he freaks out doesnt talk to me doesnt care if he blocks me or doesnt talk to me for days or more. I couldnt do that cuz i care to much about him and just want to talk to him or something. I just wish sometimes i could be like him and not care cuz then maybe he wont think of me as his psycho ex gf and maybe he wont say he hates me all the time cuz I want to be close to him and basicly be with him and have him for myself and not have to worry about skanks.

Anyways I'm buying a new cell phone got it picked out. Havent decided if I should give Jeremy the number or not. It's not like its fucking facebook and u have to think about being my friend for weeks. I mean who does that? I try not to fight on facebook cuz i dont want him deleting me but the one time i delete him..ugh i knew i shouldnt have requested him, it was after our anniversary and things were good. God, now he has the power/ the ball in his court.

(Not going to mention the thing that im mad at Fred about)
I feel better now getting all this anger out. Also im mad at fred but he has a point I was just to sad to think about it. I didnt want him to think like that or be that type of guy. But he has a point if nuthin is going to happen between us why should he be involved. Idk I still hate it even if were friends i would like him to. It just makes me feel bad a little.

blah

Fred not talking. Jeremy is bitchy. Tim is stupid. Still haven't paid my rent it's so late.

Fred :(

I'm feeling bad for Fred right now. He's going through a lot and I wish I could be of some help. But jeez goes he piss me off. He tell Tim all this crap and then says a whole different thing to me. Tim says its cuz Fred doesnt wanna piss Tim off with how much he likes me. That Tim is noticing how much Fred likes me and he doesnt really like it. Plus im sick of fighting about Fred with Tim and sometimes Jeremy. I dont know what to believe. I dont know what I am to Fred. Sometimes I feel like nuthin and other times I feel like everything. When I'm around him its so great, he's so sweet. I dont see him as just using me but maybe he is. It wouldnt be the first time. I thought things were different. idk idk idk

blogging on iTouch

just got this blogwriter app on my iTouch that let's me do text only blogs since I got the free version. I'm so happy I finally registered my iTouch. There are so many apps but I don't want to over do it. Can't sleep so watching the Midwest teen sex show. It's funny stupid and educational. I need to go to the bank and deposit a check and go to the post office too. Also need to go to the apple store to buy a new cable for my laptop since Jaden broke it by chewing on it. I let him use my laptop to watch a movie so I can watch one show and he breaks my charger. Grrrrr kids!

funny

http://midwestteensexshow.com/

suck it!

Feeling lousy. Life sucks. Suck it Tim and Jeremy!

Night

So i hung with Fred. We went to taco bell with Tim. God, i really dont like the food there. Though I was looking smoking tonight lol since Fred kept telling me everytime a guy was checking me out. Me and him saw Bride Wars. It was nice and the movie was good. I was like feeling good and even dancing afterward. Fred didnt feel good so he went home then me and Tim fought like crazy. And right now we still are.

its my so called life

I'm a bum. Jaden went to daycare today and it was so weird not having him around. Me and Tim had a fight about everything today. Lately all we do is fight. Mostly about Fred  cuz Tim wants me with him and doesnt want me with Fred. But I dont even know about the whole me and Fred thing anymore. Me and Fred are going to see a movie today cuz its been planned for a long time. I'm totally making him go see Bride Wars.

An Amazing Anniversary!!

I think this is one of the only good ones. The day started fighting with Jeremy then ending in happiness at least for me. We went to eat with Jaden at Arizona Pizza in the mall. Our pizzas seem tiny like for children but it was fucking good! Then we went back to my place and chilled played a betting game with Jaden for awhile. Then Jaden wanted  to eat and see a movie.  SO then me and Jeremy slept alittle........and stuff. It was great. It was nice actually getting along. It's to bad it never lasts. I mean u cant have all good times but I hate the bad cuz it over powers th good. And then Jeremy forgets and just says he hates me all the time, sucks. I'm gonna look on the bright side and hope for more good days.

me and Jeremy

So me and Jeremy are gonna try to be friends. And I'm waiting for him to finish up so we can go to the mall. I'm so hungry. It will be weird seeing him. It was weird just hearing his voice today. I really dont want to fight so I'm going to try to deal with how annoying he is. :)

Delete my post

So i have delete my post "why am i still writing about him" from early today. I shouldnt have wrote it. I'm not fucking perfect. Jeremy wrote 3 mean comments to my last 2 entries which of course he deleted. Jeremy just wants me to know the horrible things and how psycho he is but not everyone else. I can just post his god damn comment.

venting now:

I'm not a slut. Only have one guy who I havent had sex with in forever. God i cant even remember the last time i did so saying "Your a good for nothing slut who will never amount to anything and you fucking know it. The only way you can ignore it is by keeping yourself busy with fucking guys."  Which is kind of stupid cuz i've been with 2 guys for almost 2 years him and Fred (which was when we werent together).
(dont bitch at me for the quote i think it was deserved)

And i wouldnt date Fred today i just said that cuz i was pissed off. Dating another guy doesnt make me a slut. Oh i dont remember u saying u wanted to see me i told u i got kicked off and aim froze and i had to use meebo which cut off most of what he said. Ok u may want to see me or wanted to but would u actually see me now?
I want to have a nice day. A good day!

Best Day of My Life

I want today to be the best day of my life. I wish it could happen. I don't need to think about my failed relationship or how i met the love of my life. Yea a guy who wont see me today cuz im such a bitch or w/e. I thought I would be engaged or at least living together at this point. I'm just gonna look on the bright side and make shit happen. maybe I'll even say yes to Fred, why the fuck not Jeremy doesnt ever want me so why am i still using him for a reason? Go out with Fred the same day as Jeremy, dont think i can handle 2 failed relationships on this day. its probably cursed anyways

4 years

Today would of been 4 years for me and Jeremy. It's weird that were not even talking and that he wont even  see me on this day that would of been special. I always dreamed we would get engaged and married on this day. What a load of crap. He doesnt even remember and thats so sad. How he already forgot about me and I'm still here writing about him. Moving on is always hard for me cuz I put my heart and soul in it. It breaks my heart and I feel so empty afterwards. It would be easy if I could cut off all ties but we have Jaden and I need a way to get a hold of him. It's so sad to that he doesnt pick up my calls cuz Jaden would like to talk to him on the phone and I always have to tell him dada didnt pick up or that he's sleeping. It's so awful that he doesnt even care to talk to his own kid or even ask about him or know what he did that day. Jaden gets so excited talking to my parents on the phone and even Tim, i wish he could do the same with Jeremy. God, can't wait until..............

Fred

Sometimes Fred pisses me off. He can be really annoying. Though most guys are and more around their friends. I still havent said yes to Fred about being his girlfriend. I wanted him to ask me just so I wouldnt be just a fuck thing to prove Jeremy wrong and now that he has I have to really think about it. I dont want to make a huge mistake. All Jeremy said was guys only want to fuck me they dont want to be with me. That he's the only one who cares about me and not just my body. What fucking crap! I dont even know anything anymore. Tim says Fred really wants to go out with me and he doesn't want me to say no. Though I can't get what Jeremy said out of my head.

Sigh

Delete

I'm deleting Jeremy.
He doesnt exist.

All i want from him are 57 a week(which he bearly pays cuz of all his bills).  To pick up Jaden after work this friday and when Jaden goes back to daycare to pick him up at daycare on his weekend at 4:30. I wish he would see Jaden more or at least call him but he's a lousy everything and I cant expect anything from him. I wanted to marry him, god what a stupid idea. Don't u hate when u fall in love with the asshole?

ignore me

Jeremy is ignoring me and talking to everyone else but me. I hate when he does it, god hes so predictable sometimes. The pattern never breaks with us. Maybe I should shake things up, it will be a mystery.

Oh Jaden broke my charger for my laptop and I can't afford a new one which is like 80 bucks, so im screwed. I'll have to use my ipod and i think i can post through my email.

having a bad day

I wish Jeremy would stay away from girls that im friends with. He just cant ever stay fucking out of it. He acts all nice to them then completly ignore me. It hurts my relationship with them and he doesnt even care. I hate him he always has to ruin everything. Get ur own fucking friends u loser!

ugh

Jaden drove me crazy today.

Jeremy deserves to die

I can never let anything go

I hate when Jeremy talks to my friends

I cant even talk to Jeremy cuz I can't stand him anymore

I dont know why I try anymore cuz he's a nobody

On thursday it will be 4 years of me and Jeremy non-relationship i guess now

Sandi's birthday

Today is Sandi's birthday but her party was last night. It wasnt to bad but since I dont drink I was a little left out and sober with crazy drunk loud people.

 

 

fred

Fred asked me out. confused. need to make pro/con list.

Im sick of him

Im sick of the way Jeremy talks to me. Im sick of letting him push me around. Im sick of crying over him. Im sick of him not giving a crap about me. Im sick of him not caring if we see each other or talk to each other. Im sick of him saying he loves me then a second later he's freaking out telling me he hates me. Im sick of him never being nice to me. Im sick of him always bringing up the fact we are not dating. Im sick of him not doing anything loving or nice because were not dating, just cuz were not dating doesnt mean shit when it comes to us. We are never together it seems but that never changes anything. Im sick of him saying he doesnt want to be around me. If I said that he would call me a bitch. Im sick of how he can get away with anything mean but he punishes me for every little thing. Im sick of him.

I just want to not love him anymore. I mean what's the point anymore, I try so much. I let myself be treated horribly so I can just be around him. For what? He doesnt care if Im there unless Im sucking his fucking dick.
I want to be happy with him but he wont let it happen so.... I just need to keep myself busy and not think of him and not call/text him. It's always hard, I try all the time but I always fail.
Ugh I hate it. Its what he wants and I god damn hate it so much. I just want him so much. Fuck!

new years

So I ended things with Fred. Jeremy hates me. I have a major headache. I'm alone. I cant control my temper. I'm pmsing. Jaden is purposly driving me up a wall. I'm hungry and I'm gaining weight and people think I'm fucking pregnant. so far 2009 is just as bad as 2008. I just want everything to be over. Better. Something. I want hope. Ugh I hate complaining about my life.