I think to much

"No matter what you do, say, or believe...there is someone, somewhere, that's going to disagree."

Life is a bitch. I do things that i know is wrong but love blinds you. I long for things I know I will never get again. 


Me and Fred got back together. We needed to talk things out and breaking up happened cuz we weren't in front of each other working things out.


My feelings haven't changed. I am an emotional wreck. I still don't have the love i need. Hopefully i can treat Fred a little better even if he bugs me.


I always dream of a better world. A world were i'm happy and nothing bad every happened.


Why did I ever fall in love? Feels like the worst mistake I ever made but then I wouldn't have somethings in my life, but then the pain would go away.

immaturity at it's finest

Why my boyfriend felt the need to freak out yesterday over a song is beyond me. Pulling my hair back and grabbing the cable out was a little stupid. Though he topped it all off by climbing out the car window after tim told him to get out and calm down cuz he didn't want him around while like that. Then me and Tim spent a long time trying to find him in Chicopee. Tracked him down in South Hadley. I get out of the car and try to get him to back. Total déjà vu from when Jeremy use to leave me and i would chase after him. Then Fred just ran off and me and Tim did a cat and mouse chase after him for a good hour. Fred just didn't even care about me or Tim. He made his choice and had to find his own way home. He won't take any of my million calls/text. I was really worried about him. I didn't want to leave him. He won't talk to me. I wanted to sleep with him last night and couldn't. I wanna see him before I go home but I'm not gonna show up unwanted. I feel like this is gonna be the end. I wish he would let me know what's going on with us if there still is an us.......  

Love ain't easy

"what do I feel? Like a loser who can’t seem to get a grasp on her emotions. Why me? I don’t deserve shit like this, all my life, I was thrown shit at, I went through everything, I know how to stay..."

So i can't talk to someone i love. Just seeing the words he types even if hurtful is all i have left. I never wanted things to be so bad between us and I wanted to make things right. But i can't control myself enough to not force my eagerness to talk upon him. He won't talk to me if I'm nice and asking about his day. And then when i finally get so mad cuz he can just ignore me so easy then he wants to just tell me off. I don't even know what to do. I really hate this, u have no idea how much pain i'm in/feel. I've never felt depressed like this. 

People wonder why I try to be emotionless and why in relationships i'm not the best cuz showing interest and love to someone gives them the power to hurt u. I'm not as strong as i would like others to believe i am. When i fall for someone i fall for them hard and its impossible to shake it off. It's no excuse. It's half my fault. It takes 2 to tango.

We were never prefect and after time things got to a routine, but now i miss that more. i like simple low key things i never wanted much, knew money was an issue. People take things for grant wish i hadn't. I love him and that's how it will always be. I don't want to use him. I don't want to feel like a dirty little secret like I use to feel with him. I wanted people to know i was with him and he still cared enough to be with me even if just sexual. He didnt want anyone to know we were together, what we were doing cuz he cares only about the bad people say. 

I don't want to be forgotten by him. Thats why i text him just letting him know I'm still here waiting to be loved.

  

"i found out time can heal just about anything & maybe ull find out who u're supposed to be, i didnt know who i was supposed to be at 15."