What Was I Put On Earth For?

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." ~ Dr. Suess

Sometimes things aren't what you hoped for and your at a point in your life where things should be different. I need something more than this, i can't live so little anymore. I may be young but everyone needs to grow up someday, sometime. Can't I ever want more for myself? Apparently not, I can't amount to anything. I will never be somebody. I will never marry anyone. I will never have more kids. I will never have a life I can be proud of. Why am I here? What was I put on Earth for? 

 

I don't understand why I am so not okay with this life.  Nothing good is said about me, I can't even have a decent relationship, and not sure how to be happy. 

"We all make mistakes.  The wise admit and learn from them.  The insecure deny them.  The foolish repeat them.  And the godly forgive them."

50 of the many reasons why i love Shirley Carmona from my boyfriend

1. her smile
2. her eyes and the way they light up for me
3. how happy she makes me
4. the way she teases me
5. how much she misses me when im gone
6. the way she makes me feel when im with her
7. her hair, specially when it gets messy
8. how she wore that school girl outfit for me
9. the way she hugs me and kisses me
10. how she always fits perfectly when we cuddle
‎11. how she loves my cornyness
12. the way she loves my pet name for her (love muffin)
13. the way she cooks for me
14. the way she keeps me fed even when she doesnt
15. how everytime i see her its like the first time everytime
16. how she can make sweatpants and a tshirt with no make up look sexy
17. how much sexier it is when she does dress up
18. her lips
19. the way she will dance around all silly in front of me
20. how well we get along, despite our differences

‎21. the differences we do have
22. how she has watched every episode of dragon ball Z
23. how she loves my guitar playing
24. how she will lounge around in her pjs all day with me
25. her pjs
26. all her hello kitty gear, mainly that hat
27. how she convinced me to get skype
28. the way she always falls asleep on me when we do skype
29. how i leave skype open when i fall asleep and wake up to her being there
30. the way she sings in spanish

‎31. how she says AIII instead of OWE when i bite her
32. DAT ASS
33. how she is who she is, and doesnt apologize to anyone
34. how absolutely adorable she is
35. how she makes me feel so wanted
36. how easy she is to scare
37. how kinky she is
38. how much time she spends on facebook games
39. the way she play fights with me
40. the way she actually fights with me sometimes

‎41. how we started dating
42. how she is still dating me
43. how she loves my beard
44. the way she flirts with me even tho she already has me
45. how we can talk for hours and hours and not get bored
46. how shes a nerd just like me
47. the way she wears my clothes when i leave em there
48. the way she kisses me
49. the way she tells me she loves me
50. how im so fucking in love with her

u are amazing

"well, i love spending time with you, i love your personality, your sense of humor. i love how easy it was for me to feel comfortable with you. i love the way you make me feel, i love the things about you who make you who you are.  yea, i love you, i really do.  at least from all i know about you at this point.  i know it is still really early in our relationship and we really didnt talk to much before that,  but when i tell you i love you i dont feel any regret or doubt about it.  if you mean to ask "am i in love with you"  i will tell you im falling, hard, in love with you.  

i am truely happy to be with you, i feel truely lucky to have the chance."

Aww that's the sweetest thing from my man

A thing called life

“When fate presents one with such a grand opportunity, what else is one to do?”


Guess it's been a long time since i've written. Last entry me and Fred were broken up. Surprise Surprise we got back together and broke up again of course long distance relationships don't usually work and in mine and Fred's case him ignoring me 24/7 doesn't work either even here. Not like he gives a shit or anything he hasn't been that guy who missed me in that red notebook in a long time. Go get to know some hoe Fred not like I was waiting for u to come back or anything. Guess I stop waiting after the random break up. Why bother caring they only like u when ur mean to them cuz the second u show love it's a sickness, a weakness they want to get away from. 


Don't even get me started on Jeremy. He's confusing and simple at the same time. I think it's just easier for him to hate me then to actually have to bring up old feelings or any other than the ones he's grown a custom to when it comes to me. I get it I've been trying to change it but believe me I don't think it's happening. I really miss the guy who would come over when i was sick and said things to me that made me feel special. 


It been a long time since I've felt grounded like things are in place and this is what's suppose to happen. I thought i had things figured out for once but people randomly let u down and mess things up.


I'm more sad than bitter when it comes to Fred and more bitter than sad when it comes to Jeremy. 


"All you can do in life is be who you are; Some people will love you for you, most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all."

History on Repeat

"People don't know what it means to love someone. what it involves. it's a little more effort than just saying it."


I didn't want to blog while me and Fred were broken up cuz I didn't want it to be like when I was with Jeremy and all the crazy emotional things I wrote and how I put my feelings out there to get shut down. When u finally realize that it's over and he doesn't want u back u become so sad and bitter. It's all I think about and when I'm around him all i think about is please be with me. It's sad and lonely.I get it. He treated me like shit enough ignoring me and making no effort to the point where i freaked and broke up with him only to realize it was stupid but to my surprise that was his plan, he didn't wanna look like the bad guy so he acts like an ass until i broke up with him and has no plans to be with me again. Mostly i think he said his reason was Jaden and a bunch of other half ass excuses. He likes other people/person. Calls her babe and she calls him love ugh barf. whatever i've obsess about it enough. 


I fall madly in love and they fall out of it.


I've cried so many tears. He just keeps hitting me when I'm down. Has pulled the maybe card for over a month and still makes it so i believe he will come over this time. All I want is to see him and he just said no today like I really don't matter. I didn't know how to stop throwing myself at him cuz I thought maybe this time it will be different but it never is.


Fred=Jeremy
I traded one of another. My life is on repeat. History has spoken. Fred will leave for the summer without being my boyfriend to do god knows what me hating every second of everyday he refuses to be with me and me I guess finding someone new like I know Fred will while he hooks up this summer. Why else tell me to wait until he comes back if u don't want me now while I'm around then ur not gonna want me 3 months later. If u don't wanna be my bf now so what u can be single for the summer to do whoever u want and what think I'm gonna jump at the chance after u fucked around. HA! For all i know I'm just overreacting but how else am I suppose to act when ur madly in love with someone who has no interest in u.


It will take a lot of time and fuck ups before I will bury my feelings for him cuz I can't ever forget him. He feels like a part of me that i want back.

I have hit rock bottom. 

Time to pick myself up again.

I have become boy crazy yikes. I knew I loved Fred but I didn't want this to happen. I thought he had it in him to make me happy and instead I got misery. U would think he would take me back so I can become nice and normal and not mean cuz this time I can show love. nope not the case.

UGH i need to shut up about Fred already. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. sigh. goodbye my lover.


I miss when I wasn't a love sick twat!

"Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring and half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything."

Your Love Is My Drug

	Ke$ha - Your Love Is My Drug .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Ke$ha might be dumb and sing songs about stupid immature stuff but I can't help but love this song and it's how I feel about my love.
LYRICS
Maybe I need some rehab
Or maybe just need some sleep
I got a sick obsession
I'm seein it in my dreams
I'm lookin down every alley
I'm makin those desperate calls
I'm stayin up all night hopin hitin my head against the wall

What you got boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time
Im all strung out my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind!

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

Wont listen to any advice
Mommas tellin me I should think twice
But look into my own devices, im addicted its a crisis
My friends think ive gone crazy
My judgments gettin kinda hazy
My steeze is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crack head

What you got boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time
Im all strung out my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind!

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

I dont care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when your with me
But crash and crave you when you leave

Hey, so I got a question
Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?
Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum
Is my love your drug? your drug?
Huh, your drug?
Huh, your drug?
Is my love your drug?

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

Hey, heyy, sooo
You love, your love your love, is my drug
(She says) I like your beard

Life is killing me

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” - Helen Keller


Money is so tight don't have anything left. Can't get out of my magazine subscriptions. Jaden drives me nuts. Really don't have a lot of food. My boyfriend was stressing me out. Jeremy did his usual childish blabbing fighting with me over nuthin he has no common sense. Told Jeremy he's not allowed in my house, so now finding ways to shuffle Jaden 4 days a month now too. My body hurts. Needs to know where I stand in this cruel game called life but i think I'm losing.




"If you are going to misunderstand me, misunderstand me correctly."

101 Things To Do With Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

1. Watch the sunset together.
2. Take showers together.
3. Back rubs/massages.
4. Listen to classical music and cuddle in the dark
or w/blacklight.
5. French Kiss.
6. Hold her w/ hands inside the back of her shirt.
7. Whisper to each other.
8. Cook for each other
9. Skinny dip.
10. Make out in the rain.
11. Dress each other.
12. Undress each other.
13. Kiss every part of their body.
14. Hold hands.
15. Sleep together. (Actually sleep with each
other*not
sex)
16. One word*Foreplay
17. Sit and talk in just underwear.
18. Buy gifts for each other.
19. Roses.
20. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear
it
every time you*re together.
21. Wear his clothes.
22. Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the
stars.
23. Incense/candles/oils/blacklights and music make
great for sex (cuddling)
24. Kiss at every chance you get.
25. Don*t wear underwear and let them find out.
26. Kinky is bad*Blindfolds are good.
27. Lightly kiss their collarbone and their
jawbone just below the ear,then whisper I love you.
28. Bubble baths.
29. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
30. Make love.
31. Write poetry for each other.
32. Kiss/smell her hair.
33. Hugs are the universal medicine.
34. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make
sure they know you mean it.
35. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
36. Tell her that she*s the only girl you ever want.
Don*t lie.
37. Spend every second possible together.
38. Tell her that she doesn*t have to do anything she
doesn*t want to. And mean it.
39. Look into each other*s eyes.
40. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes,
tell her you love her,and kiss her lightly.
41. Talk to each other using only body language and
your eyes.
42. When in public, only flirt w/ each other.
43. Walk behind her and put your hands in her front
pockets.
44. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren*t
looking.
45. Clothes are no fun.
46. Buy her a ring.
47. Keep one of her bras somewhere where you see it
everyday.
48. Sing to each other.
49. Read to each other.
50. PDA = Public Display of Affection.
51. Take advantage of any time alone together.
52. Tell her about how you answered every question in
math with her name.
53. Draw. (If you can)
54. Let her sit on your lap.
55. Go hiking and camp out together in the woods or
on a mountain.
56. Lips were made for kissing. So were eyes, and
fingers,and cheeks,and collarbones, and hands,and
ears.
57. Kiss her stomach.
58. Always hold her around her hips/sides.
59. Guys like half-shirts.
60. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two
deal.
61. Spaghetti* (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
62. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand
and then put it over your heart.
63. Unless you can feel their heart beating, you
aren*t close enough.
64. Dance together.
65. Sit in front of a roaring fire and make out/make
love.
66. I love the way a girl looks right after she*s
fallen asleep with her head in my lap.
67. Carry her to bed.
68. Waterbeds are fun.
69. You figure it out.
70. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so
that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
71. Break every one of your parent*s relationship
rules for them.
72. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
73. Even if you are really busy doing something, go
out of your way to call and say I love you.
74. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you
were thinking about them.
75. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
76. Ride your bike 8 miles just to see them for a few
hours.
77. Ride home and call them.
78. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
79. Somehow incorporate them into any kind of
religion or worship you have.
80. Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie
Points)
81. Act out mutual fantasies together. (Not
necessarily sexual)
82. Brush her hair out of her face for her.
83. Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to be
sweet to them.
84. Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie
points)
85. Go to church/pray/worship together.
86. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the
parts she liked.
87. Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear
night.
88. Learn from each other and don*t make the same
mistake twice.
89. Everyone deserves a second chance.
90. Describe the joy you feel just to be with
him/her.
91. Make sacrifices for each other.
92. Really love each other, or don*t stay together.
93. Write a fictional story about how you met/fell in
love, etc. and give it to them.
94. Let there never be a second during any given day
that you aren*t thinking about them, and make sure
they know it.
95. Love yourself before you love anyone else.
96. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
97. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
98. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
99. Sleep naked together.
100. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
101. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And
always remember to say, "Sweet dreams. 

Bust

"Fighting is the first sign of love."

I was excited on April 30th thought he would love his gifts but it quickly faded with the same disappointed feeling that comes when he is involved. It's unbelievable the lengths he will go to be an insensitive ass. Does it kill u to accept a gift? I told Jaden we were gonna give his dad a gift and I get there and of course he won't open the door and even had the fucking nerve to not even let me leave it on his car. I can't believe a waste of money & gas was used so i can just keep making a fool of myself. Me acknowledging that it's his birthday is the end of the world while everyone else is free to give him a cake and celebrate with him. I hate that no wonder what he will always treat me like I don't matter, it's like our relationship all over again. Can't he stop being a non-caring ass cuz this whole not getting along shit is getting old. He never even sees Jaden out of the 4 days a month he takes him. At least when we got along he would come over and hang out with us. I wouldn't even care if he just went out with Jaden for a little bit since he doesn't wanna be around me.

When I woke up I had to cancel all the shit I had planned to send him. It fucking hurt but really I shouldn't be rewarding him with such terrible behavior. I also thought I was going to be stuck with a tint job (i dont have a car) but some people are just nice :) . The hard part was canceling the thing i ordered online but since he didn't get it i success-ed. God i would of looked like a tool. I'm really just angry how uncaring he really is. I hate going everyday with him not wanting me to talk to him, see him, or just be in his life. It's unbearable him never thinking about me or missing me. Stupid Ashley. He thought he had something special with her. 3 months of bullshit, lies, and cheating. Now all he does is pine over her and think about her. why? They had the lamest relationship ever. She never cared about him. Used him is more like it, he's such a sucker. And now he treats me like trash. It was never this bad before. Wish i knew how to give up but I can't when my feelings are to strong for words.

Love Stinks.

"Love doesn't come from finding that perfect person, but learning to love an imperfect person perfectly."

I think to much

"No matter what you do, say, or believe...there is someone, somewhere, that's going to disagree."

Life is a bitch. I do things that i know is wrong but love blinds you. I long for things I know I will never get again. 


Me and Fred got back together. We needed to talk things out and breaking up happened cuz we weren't in front of each other working things out.


My feelings haven't changed. I am an emotional wreck. I still don't have the love i need. Hopefully i can treat Fred a little better even if he bugs me.


I always dream of a better world. A world were i'm happy and nothing bad every happened.


Why did I ever fall in love? Feels like the worst mistake I ever made but then I wouldn't have somethings in my life, but then the pain would go away.

immaturity at it's finest

Why my boyfriend felt the need to freak out yesterday over a song is beyond me. Pulling my hair back and grabbing the cable out was a little stupid. Though he topped it all off by climbing out the car window after tim told him to get out and calm down cuz he didn't want him around while like that. Then me and Tim spent a long time trying to find him in Chicopee. Tracked him down in South Hadley. I get out of the car and try to get him to back. Total déjà vu from when Jeremy use to leave me and i would chase after him. Then Fred just ran off and me and Tim did a cat and mouse chase after him for a good hour. Fred just didn't even care about me or Tim. He made his choice and had to find his own way home. He won't take any of my million calls/text. I was really worried about him. I didn't want to leave him. He won't talk to me. I wanted to sleep with him last night and couldn't. I wanna see him before I go home but I'm not gonna show up unwanted. I feel like this is gonna be the end. I wish he would let me know what's going on with us if there still is an us.......  

Love ain't easy

"what do I feel? Like a loser who can’t seem to get a grasp on her emotions. Why me? I don’t deserve shit like this, all my life, I was thrown shit at, I went through everything, I know how to stay..."

So i can't talk to someone i love. Just seeing the words he types even if hurtful is all i have left. I never wanted things to be so bad between us and I wanted to make things right. But i can't control myself enough to not force my eagerness to talk upon him. He won't talk to me if I'm nice and asking about his day. And then when i finally get so mad cuz he can just ignore me so easy then he wants to just tell me off. I don't even know what to do. I really hate this, u have no idea how much pain i'm in/feel. I've never felt depressed like this. 

People wonder why I try to be emotionless and why in relationships i'm not the best cuz showing interest and love to someone gives them the power to hurt u. I'm not as strong as i would like others to believe i am. When i fall for someone i fall for them hard and its impossible to shake it off. It's no excuse. It's half my fault. It takes 2 to tango.

We were never prefect and after time things got to a routine, but now i miss that more. i like simple low key things i never wanted much, knew money was an issue. People take things for grant wish i hadn't. I love him and that's how it will always be. I don't want to use him. I don't want to feel like a dirty little secret like I use to feel with him. I wanted people to know i was with him and he still cared enough to be with me even if just sexual. He didnt want anyone to know we were together, what we were doing cuz he cares only about the bad people say. 

I don't want to be forgotten by him. Thats why i text him just letting him know I'm still here waiting to be loved.

  

"i found out time can heal just about anything & maybe ull find out who u're supposed to be, i didnt know who i was supposed to be at 15."

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