immaturity at it's finest

Why my boyfriend felt the need to freak out yesterday over a song is beyond me. Pulling my hair back and grabbing the cable out was a little stupid. Though he topped it all off by climbing out the car window after tim told him to get out and calm down cuz he didn't want him around while like that. Then me and Tim spent a long time trying to find him in Chicopee. Tracked him down in South Hadley. I get out of the car and try to get him to back. Total déjà vu from when Jeremy use to leave me and i would chase after him. Then Fred just ran off and me and Tim did a cat and mouse chase after him for a good hour. Fred just didn't even care about me or Tim. He made his choice and had to find his own way home. He won't take any of my million calls/text. I was really worried about him. I didn't want to leave him. He won't talk to me. I wanted to sleep with him last night and couldn't. I wanna see him before I go home but I'm not gonna show up unwanted. I feel like this is gonna be the end. I wish he would let me know what's going on with us if there still is an us.......  

Love ain't easy

"what do I feel? Like a loser who can’t seem to get a grasp on her emotions. Why me? I don’t deserve shit like this, all my life, I was thrown shit at, I went through everything, I know how to stay..."

So i can't talk to someone i love. Just seeing the words he types even if hurtful is all i have left. I never wanted things to be so bad between us and I wanted to make things right. But i can't control myself enough to not force my eagerness to talk upon him. He won't talk to me if I'm nice and asking about his day. And then when i finally get so mad cuz he can just ignore me so easy then he wants to just tell me off. I don't even know what to do. I really hate this, u have no idea how much pain i'm in/feel. I've never felt depressed like this. 

People wonder why I try to be emotionless and why in relationships i'm not the best cuz showing interest and love to someone gives them the power to hurt u. I'm not as strong as i would like others to believe i am. When i fall for someone i fall for them hard and its impossible to shake it off. It's no excuse. It's half my fault. It takes 2 to tango.

We were never prefect and after time things got to a routine, but now i miss that more. i like simple low key things i never wanted much, knew money was an issue. People take things for grant wish i hadn't. I love him and that's how it will always be. I don't want to use him. I don't want to feel like a dirty little secret like I use to feel with him. I wanted people to know i was with him and he still cared enough to be with me even if just sexual. He didnt want anyone to know we were together, what we were doing cuz he cares only about the bad people say. 

I don't want to be forgotten by him. Thats why i text him just letting him know I'm still here waiting to be loved.

  

"i found out time can heal just about anything & maybe ull find out who u're supposed to be, i didnt know who i was supposed to be at 15."

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Insanechicka33

A late Christmas wish.

"One of the best things about blogging is finding friends all over the world. (In an awesome way, not a creepy chat-room type way.) We're lucky because we've built a community of people we can count on, even if they're people we've never met. Here is a guest post that proves the amazing power of the internet."


My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did

Stolen

"I am not the girl that most guys would expect to really like. I am not the girl they wanna make their "girlfriend". I am usually the one they call for a good time, the one who listens and helps, the one who takes away the pain and stress if only for a little while. Yet, usually the one they send home after the good time has been had. The one who doesn't get Xmas gifts or b-day wishes, or even a shoulder to cry on when needed. They don't always answer my calls or text. I get put off for a weekend or for after midnight. I am the side chick, the friend with benefits, the booty call. Never nothing more, never less. It usually doesn't end until I cut the cord because with me they have the best of both worlds. The great sex and the friend."

Jon Gosselin is a douchebag

This Douchebag is pretty much all i have to say or think. Yea he pretty much reminds me of Jeremy though the situation is different i still though of Jeremy, odd weird hmmm.

read the link then u will see what I mean

Depression almost killed my blog

I havent' posting in forever. Was to depressed basically cuz of who know who. Oh well fuck him and his stupid gf
*eye roll*

anywho

Life has been good. Finally started to actually like my new bf and not fighting about how i dont love him. I'm glad that has stopped it was annoying as fuck. Though we did get into a fight today :(

He told a very good odd awkward friend of mine to stop talking to me cuz i'm his gf. I'm like WTF! What gives u the right seriously im just talking to him thats all. Yea like a year and half ago i messed around with him but nuthin since. He's like i dont want u talking to people u had sex with.

A. I never had sex with my good odd awkward friend hes a 23 yea old virgin.
B. The only friend I have and hang out with are my ex boyfriends
C. He probably talks to people he has had sex with though he says he doesnt really

So I called Tim to pick me up and left his house. He come out wondering why I left and asking me to come back if I wanted to. I told him maybe later I'll come back but for right now its best I leave. So we kissed and I left. I went to Tim's but couldn't get out of the car i sit in his car when im depressed or sad. Told me to take me to Freds and thats where i am now.

He was having a shitty day so I thought why the fuck not, its not like im going to fuck him right?