I haven't been writing in my blog for a while now. I've been to blah to take the time to do so. I was happy, then depressed, then more depressed etc etc. I hate that I was so happy at one point and it all went to fucking shit. These people are all treating me different and my feelings are a mess. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm lovestruck, and I'm fucking hysterical. I'm so stressed and I'm falling apart slowly but surely.
I feel fake. My relationship feels empty like there an outside holding it into shape but nuthin to fill it. My life is backwards. The guy who isn't my boyfriend acts like it and the guy who is my boyfriend doesn't. It's just who they are as people. I can't change them and tell them to snap out of it, ur driving me nuts. I'm just one of those people who still feel lonely in a crowded room.
I feel guilty all the time for thinking these types of things. For talking to Fred all the time instead of Jeremy. Wishing that we could carry on a conversation. How I'm a lousy mother. How I think about dying. How I'm so negative all the time lately.
I don't fator into anyone life other than Jaden's and that's only because he lives with me. It would be a different story if he didn't.
I haven't felt this alone in a very long time.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
:(
[Verse 1:]
Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow
[Pre Chorus:]
And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
[Chorus:]
And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you into my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
[Verse 2:]
Damn,
Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you
[Pre Chorus:]
[Chorus:]
[Ad libs]
[Chorus:]
Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow
[Pre Chorus:]
And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame
[Chorus:]
And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you into my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
[Verse 2:]
Damn,
Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you
[Pre Chorus:]
[Chorus:]
[Ad libs]
[Chorus:]
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
blah blah life
I'm glad Fred is out of the hopstial. My weekend I was mostly with Tim like always since he's like my only friend basicly cuz I'm a loser. Jaden was very sick all weekend at Jeremy's house but he's perfectly fine now and overly hungry from lack of food in him. I have no cell and I'm still pretty unsure how to pay my rent in like 3 days. I dont have much to say.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
months worth of quotes
"night babe im going to bed now i watch u sleep for a hour your so cute, love you so much so hope u dream about me.
ok we need to do something so we can talk for hours about something.
when i was growing up, i was told never to say "cant" cause it was negative.
is it cant for u shirley or is it wont?
i would do so much for you, i call i try to make you happy, yeah i cant see you , i cant drive you places, but im nice to you when u are bitchy i treat you like goddess i try my best and i get nothing.
i miss you and love you.
i dont wanna break u and jj up.
then i want one thing, i want to let you know i truely love you and care, i think you are sexy no matter what you say, and ill stop with these ideas but i want you to call me for once and tell me something truthful.
when i say i love you, its a highest form of the word i rarely say it only say it when i truly mean it and that i care so much about that person.
not very often a pretty girl steals my words.
sweet carrying, somewhat bitchy at time but the bitchiness i can deal with, and see makes me really happy like i know i get all like bottle and stuff but the time i have been out with her it was fun even though i may of withdrawn but holding her and showing that im with her was fun, she's easy for me to talk to but sorta hard to understand and she want me to read her mind but i cant
and also she has a warm heart, that drives me crazy and she wonderful in bed and i tell her it all the time but i feel she doesnt believe me half the time.
if i could i would show her off so much
ur the best shirley.
i have to deal and stop causing so many problems for u.
ur in every dream, you in every thought ur in my mind so much now.
i cant read your mind no matter how much i want 2.
ur worth a life time of waiting.
last time im saying sorry for this but i want to be ask for forgiveness and ill stop trying so hard and over thinking so please talk ill be better.
Shirley when im with you i feel at peace, i feel i dont have to impress you. i fell i can sit and cuddle with you for hours and even care about anything else.
Your a goddess to me so beautiful making me feel important and accept me for who i am.
i would shoot my foot off but i need that to walk, so i can see u someday.
ur a naughty little goddess, im desperately attracted to.
do i have to like paint a picture of u naked like in titanic to get u to believe me?
and dont forget never time i come over im cooking you dinner.
you are either the nicest person i know or ur making fun of me.
ur a locked book that locked in a safe that inside of a blue whale who is frozen in ice. i wanna unlock it all though cause i wanna know you and i wanna understand you.
u can seduce me anytime.
why do u tease me so?
spent all night thinking about you.
miss everything about u
wanna lay next to you cause i like it and i love you and i want to
i have my only escape is getting and running cause i dont know the answer.
i dont want to see you sad i dont want you angry or depression i just want you to know im here
for you.
what do u want me to do, i care and want to know you feelings why cant you talk to me ill do anything just share a little bit.
i promise you that i will not become a dick and that i will not change who i am by doing this but its more of a way to show how much i want you.
i love you so much babe u making me really happy right now.
loooooooooooooooooooove you alot
love you and hope you have a tweet tweet day."
ok we need to do something so we can talk for hours about something.
when i was growing up, i was told never to say "cant" cause it was negative.
is it cant for u shirley or is it wont?
i would do so much for you, i call i try to make you happy, yeah i cant see you , i cant drive you places, but im nice to you when u are bitchy i treat you like goddess i try my best and i get nothing.
i miss you and love you.
i dont wanna break u and jj up.
then i want one thing, i want to let you know i truely love you and care, i think you are sexy no matter what you say, and ill stop with these ideas but i want you to call me for once and tell me something truthful.
when i say i love you, its a highest form of the word i rarely say it only say it when i truly mean it and that i care so much about that person.
not very often a pretty girl steals my words.
sweet carrying, somewhat bitchy at time but the bitchiness i can deal with, and see makes me really happy like i know i get all like bottle and stuff but the time i have been out with her it was fun even though i may of withdrawn but holding her and showing that im with her was fun, she's easy for me to talk to but sorta hard to understand and she want me to read her mind but i cant
and also she has a warm heart, that drives me crazy and she wonderful in bed and i tell her it all the time but i feel she doesnt believe me half the time.
if i could i would show her off so much
ur the best shirley.
i have to deal and stop causing so many problems for u.
ur in every dream, you in every thought ur in my mind so much now.
i cant read your mind no matter how much i want 2.
ur worth a life time of waiting.
last time im saying sorry for this but i want to be ask for forgiveness and ill stop trying so hard and over thinking so please talk ill be better.
Shirley when im with you i feel at peace, i feel i dont have to impress you. i fell i can sit and cuddle with you for hours and even care about anything else.
Your a goddess to me so beautiful making me feel important and accept me for who i am.
i would shoot my foot off but i need that to walk, so i can see u someday.
ur a naughty little goddess, im desperately attracted to.
do i have to like paint a picture of u naked like in titanic to get u to believe me?
and dont forget never time i come over im cooking you dinner.
you are either the nicest person i know or ur making fun of me.
ur a locked book that locked in a safe that inside of a blue whale who is frozen in ice. i wanna unlock it all though cause i wanna know you and i wanna understand you.
u can seduce me anytime.
why do u tease me so?
spent all night thinking about you.
miss everything about u
wanna lay next to you cause i like it and i love you and i want to
i have my only escape is getting and running cause i dont know the answer.
i dont want to see you sad i dont want you angry or depression i just want you to know im here
for you.
what do u want me to do, i care and want to know you feelings why cant you talk to me ill do anything just share a little bit.
i promise you that i will not become a dick and that i will not change who i am by doing this but its more of a way to show how much i want you.
i love you so much babe u making me really happy right now.
loooooooooooooooooooove you alot
love you and hope you have a tweet tweet day."
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