Christmas

good family time got lots of presents and cash. then saw yes man with tim and fred. Jeremy was being a jerk this morning.  Me and Fred got in a fight. Then had a long talk and god he is just so different and i like being around him. Fred told me that he likes me and it made me happy and sad and worried all at once. Then Jeremy came over and we had a talk about me and Fred and whats going on.

Holiday

Its christmas eve. I wish Jeremy would want to spend the holidays with me. He's taking Jaden after my family finishs with dinner. Then I'm proably sleeping over my parents house. Then I need to spend time with Timmy.

I'm feeling better about me and Jeremy at least for now.

Me and Tim are drifting apart.

Got closer to Fred but these things never last

Men

Fred has been making me feel pretty good lately.  Im in love with Jeremy but still it's nice to hear nice things. Tim has confessed his love for me yet again.  Fred said he is gonna see me today but I kinda really doubt it. He wants to see a movie which is different than only wanting to screw me.  


TIMMY COMES BACK TODAY HOPEFULLY IF THERE ARE NO DELAYS!!!

He will be coming in hopefully around 6-7 then he's coming to see me. I missed him!

The best of both worlds

After reading KIMBOLACITY    last 2 entries I feel alittle better knowing I'm not the only one in this situation but I still feel so alone. I  hate that Jeremy wants us to bearly talk. It makes me feel insecure and jealous. Cuz if he's not talking to me who is he gonna talk to? i know who ugh. I dont want Jeremy to get closer to anyone while he's trying to push me away. I hate the way he's been acting. Trying to hard for everyone else to frickin like him. I hate that he keeps saying he wants someone to kiss on new years eve who of course isnt me cuz he would never see me. I dont want kissing someone else and i dont want him to want to kiss someone else either. He is tryng to be a flirt and it pisses me off. I want things to change and i dont want to stop until were back together. I mean there is so much change and sacarfic that needs to be made for it to work out. I'm willing to do it if he wants to be with me. I dont want to ruin things between us cuz I love him and we have Jaden.  Its so hard to not hold a grudge but im mad that he doesnt want to be with me and i show it and sound it when we talk. And why shouldnt I be jealous I dont want him talking to other chicks so he can sleep with them(Sabrina) or fall in love with them(drag queen Amalia) or want to cheat on me with(Amber) or just be a moron with(Amy). I'm sort of a hypocrite cuz there have been other guys but I never fell in love or was serious with. I told him I was gonna commit to him and I wasnt with other guys until he told me that he never wants to date me again. God and he doesnt even care.

god damnit

Why does Jeremy have go on and ruin fucking everything? He randomly calls me out of the blue after blocking me and unfriending me. He's also talking to the drag queen Amalia at the same time. He told me what she did to him was so unforgiveable and all this bullshit and now he's all talking to her again. Enjoying it and fucking shit like that. I hate it. I cant fucking stand it. He never acts that way with me. He also has to fight or just judge. Jeremy is so confusing. He gets all mad gets off then an hour later cant sleep and wants me to read to him. Well its nice being needed for something.

sick and tired

wtf is up with Jeremy. First he blocks me from sending him texts, then blocks my screen name, and now unfriends on facebook. I havent talk to him since like like 1 o'clock and nuthin bad was said. He just knows how to make me feel bad for no good reason. I didnt do anything wrong. I can't even talk to him withoout him freaking out twist what I say so I'm the bad guy. Mostly he just assumes shit and gets mad over his own imagination. He says he deletes ppl he doesnt talk to but its bullshit. cuz theres amy,amalia,amber, w/e other stupid nasty bitches who dont give a shit about him and he keeps them. Sigh maybe I should just stop loving him and move on. I hate that I cant even have a nice conv with him about all this. I just miss Jeremy.

Jeremy the love of my life/jerk ex bf

What he said to me last night was the worst thing he has ever said to me. I can't even say it cuz there so much I wouldn't even know where to start. I have never felt so hurt, so betrayed, stupid, pathetic, lonely, unloved, and worthless. He can get mad at me and freak out and block me in 5 minutes now. He treats me shit and I dont even know why anymore. I have no idea what sets him off everytime its so dumb. I can't even talk to him without him telling me he hates me and to fuck off. I try so hard to not get him mad and he always finds a way or an excuse to get mad and ruin everything basicly. I woke up yesterday thinking about going down to Jeremy's work and seeing him. Then i thought he would think im stalking him and tell me to fuck off so I didnt even bother. Though I still wanted to see him so i asked if he wanted to see a movie so we dont have to talk but were still around each other. But he was to upset about these 2 stupid bitches who dont even give a crap about him. I fucking love him so much and he doesnt even believe me. I think that hurts the most. I told him I wanted to get married and be with him forever and he doesnt even care. The only reason I started seeing Fred casually was cuz Jeremy said he never wanted to go out with me again. And now I barely see Fred since I've been seeing more of Jeremy and I dont want to be with anyone else. But, Jeremy doesnt want to be with me and I dont want to move on cuz I love him and wanna be with him. I had hope and after what he said it almost faded away. Jeremy feels like everyone treats him like shit and what that gives him the right to make me feel so low and hate myself for just wanting to talk to him. I tell myself to just get over him, i deserve better that I dont want to be with him. But who am I kidding? of course I want to be with him. I'm just sick of being THAT GIRL, u know what im talking about. The needy ex who can't take a hint, won't leave u alone, and happily finally got rid of. That's how he sees me but thats the last thing I want to be. It's so hard not to talk to him and call him all the time. I already do way to much but I try to keep myself busy so I dont think about him. A lot of the times I think about calling him I call someone else instead. I can't keep doing this. I love him so much but all the love in the world couldnt make him happy. He just doesnt believe me.