The best of both worlds

After reading KIMBOLACITY    last 2 entries I feel alittle better knowing I'm not the only one in this situation but I still feel so alone. I  hate that Jeremy wants us to bearly talk. It makes me feel insecure and jealous. Cuz if he's not talking to me who is he gonna talk to? i know who ugh. I dont want Jeremy to get closer to anyone while he's trying to push me away. I hate the way he's been acting. Trying to hard for everyone else to frickin like him. I hate that he keeps saying he wants someone to kiss on new years eve who of course isnt me cuz he would never see me. I dont want kissing someone else and i dont want him to want to kiss someone else either. He is tryng to be a flirt and it pisses me off. I want things to change and i dont want to stop until were back together. I mean there is so much change and sacarfic that needs to be made for it to work out. I'm willing to do it if he wants to be with me. I dont want to ruin things between us cuz I love him and we have Jaden.  Its so hard to not hold a grudge but im mad that he doesnt want to be with me and i show it and sound it when we talk. And why shouldnt I be jealous I dont want him talking to other chicks so he can sleep with them(Sabrina) or fall in love with them(drag queen Amalia) or want to cheat on me with(Amber) or just be a moron with(Amy). I'm sort of a hypocrite cuz there have been other guys but I never fell in love or was serious with. I told him I was gonna commit to him and I wasnt with other guys until he told me that he never wants to date me again. God and he doesnt even care.

god damnit

Why does Jeremy have go on and ruin fucking everything? He randomly calls me out of the blue after blocking me and unfriending me. He's also talking to the drag queen Amalia at the same time. He told me what she did to him was so unforgiveable and all this bullshit and now he's all talking to her again. Enjoying it and fucking shit like that. I hate it. I cant fucking stand it. He never acts that way with me. He also has to fight or just judge. Jeremy is so confusing. He gets all mad gets off then an hour later cant sleep and wants me to read to him. Well its nice being needed for something.

sick and tired

wtf is up with Jeremy. First he blocks me from sending him texts, then blocks my screen name, and now unfriends on facebook. I havent talk to him since like like 1 o'clock and nuthin bad was said. He just knows how to make me feel bad for no good reason. I didnt do anything wrong. I can't even talk to him withoout him freaking out twist what I say so I'm the bad guy. Mostly he just assumes shit and gets mad over his own imagination. He says he deletes ppl he doesnt talk to but its bullshit. cuz theres amy,amalia,amber, w/e other stupid nasty bitches who dont give a shit about him and he keeps them. Sigh maybe I should just stop loving him and move on. I hate that I cant even have a nice conv with him about all this. I just miss Jeremy.

Jeremy the love of my life/jerk ex bf

What he said to me last night was the worst thing he has ever said to me. I can't even say it cuz there so much I wouldn't even know where to start. I have never felt so hurt, so betrayed, stupid, pathetic, lonely, unloved, and worthless. He can get mad at me and freak out and block me in 5 minutes now. He treats me shit and I dont even know why anymore. I have no idea what sets him off everytime its so dumb. I can't even talk to him without him telling me he hates me and to fuck off. I try so hard to not get him mad and he always finds a way or an excuse to get mad and ruin everything basicly. I woke up yesterday thinking about going down to Jeremy's work and seeing him. Then i thought he would think im stalking him and tell me to fuck off so I didnt even bother. Though I still wanted to see him so i asked if he wanted to see a movie so we dont have to talk but were still around each other. But he was to upset about these 2 stupid bitches who dont even give a crap about him. I fucking love him so much and he doesnt even believe me. I think that hurts the most. I told him I wanted to get married and be with him forever and he doesnt even care. The only reason I started seeing Fred casually was cuz Jeremy said he never wanted to go out with me again. And now I barely see Fred since I've been seeing more of Jeremy and I dont want to be with anyone else. But, Jeremy doesnt want to be with me and I dont want to move on cuz I love him and wanna be with him. I had hope and after what he said it almost faded away. Jeremy feels like everyone treats him like shit and what that gives him the right to make me feel so low and hate myself for just wanting to talk to him. I tell myself to just get over him, i deserve better that I dont want to be with him. But who am I kidding? of course I want to be with him. I'm just sick of being THAT GIRL, u know what im talking about. The needy ex who can't take a hint, won't leave u alone, and happily finally got rid of. That's how he sees me but thats the last thing I want to be. It's so hard not to talk to him and call him all the time. I already do way to much but I try to keep myself busy so I dont think about him. A lot of the times I think about calling him I call someone else instead. I can't keep doing this. I love him so much but all the love in the world couldnt make him happy. He just doesnt believe me.

I like her

http://kimbolacity.blogspot.com/

I'm that girl

It was hard for me to give him his space; not to call him in the middle of the night when I cried myself to sleep, not to ask him "Are you SURE this is what you want?" or "Why don't you love me anymore?"

I was desperate not to be "that girl." You know the one. The one who can't take a hint. The one who won't leave him alone. The one he's so glad that he finally got rid of. I couldn't be her. Wouldn't.

A Reading from The Book of Tia.

Grocery Shopping (or What I Thought About)

We were grocery shopping at three in the morning
for purple Kool-Aid and a pregnancy test.
I couldn't watch you sleep anymore
And K was revisiting some saccharine childhood craving.
It’s weird how things turn out sometimes.
Like the first time I sat in a Planned Parenthood at 15
wondering how I became “that kind of girl.”
Not knowing where I stand with you makes it worse.
Even though your tongue drips honey coated lies
drips baby I love yous
drips bullshit about your half-assed ambitions
drips sweet silly talk about a future that’ll never be ours.
Complicating it further is that girl we don’t talk about.
Your sixteen year old white trash baby doll lover
whose name is a bad word with your family
after she got you in fights
and in debt
and arrested.
You love her too? Great, good for you.
Lately you've been loving her long-distance from my bed
making me wonder who you’re really thinking of when the lights are out.
But the little girl in me says
please don’t leave me...just hold me a little longer.
And the insecure, quiet teenager in me says
maybe this is as good as it gets.
And the practical college student in me says
I don’t need your broke, going nowhere, out of work, lazy ass.
And the tattooed punk rock band slut in me says
Baby, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone so you’d better enjoy it while you've got it.
You owe me three hundred dollars
and you’re sleeping with someone else
and yet I keep coming back.
Because I feel like slumming?
Because I need some work done on my car?
Or maybe because I hate to feel alone.
The fluorescent grocery store lights hurt my eyes
and nothing will be decided tonight.
Three in the morning has come and gone
here in the frozen food section.
So my body is coming home to you,
but no one touches my soul,
and my pride I left back on aisle five.