sick and tired

wtf is up with Jeremy. First he blocks me from sending him texts, then blocks my screen name, and now unfriends on facebook. I havent talk to him since like like 1 o'clock and nuthin bad was said. He just knows how to make me feel bad for no good reason. I didnt do anything wrong. I can't even talk to him withoout him freaking out twist what I say so I'm the bad guy. Mostly he just assumes shit and gets mad over his own imagination. He says he deletes ppl he doesnt talk to but its bullshit. cuz theres amy,amalia,amber, w/e other stupid nasty bitches who dont give a shit about him and he keeps them. Sigh maybe I should just stop loving him and move on. I hate that I cant even have a nice conv with him about all this. I just miss Jeremy.

Jeremy the love of my life/jerk ex bf

What he said to me last night was the worst thing he has ever said to me. I can't even say it cuz there so much I wouldn't even know where to start. I have never felt so hurt, so betrayed, stupid, pathetic, lonely, unloved, and worthless. He can get mad at me and freak out and block me in 5 minutes now. He treats me shit and I dont even know why anymore. I have no idea what sets him off everytime its so dumb. I can't even talk to him without him telling me he hates me and to fuck off. I try so hard to not get him mad and he always finds a way or an excuse to get mad and ruin everything basicly. I woke up yesterday thinking about going down to Jeremy's work and seeing him. Then i thought he would think im stalking him and tell me to fuck off so I didnt even bother. Though I still wanted to see him so i asked if he wanted to see a movie so we dont have to talk but were still around each other. But he was to upset about these 2 stupid bitches who dont even give a crap about him. I fucking love him so much and he doesnt even believe me. I think that hurts the most. I told him I wanted to get married and be with him forever and he doesnt even care. The only reason I started seeing Fred casually was cuz Jeremy said he never wanted to go out with me again. And now I barely see Fred since I've been seeing more of Jeremy and I dont want to be with anyone else. But, Jeremy doesnt want to be with me and I dont want to move on cuz I love him and wanna be with him. I had hope and after what he said it almost faded away. Jeremy feels like everyone treats him like shit and what that gives him the right to make me feel so low and hate myself for just wanting to talk to him. I tell myself to just get over him, i deserve better that I dont want to be with him. But who am I kidding? of course I want to be with him. I'm just sick of being THAT GIRL, u know what im talking about. The needy ex who can't take a hint, won't leave u alone, and happily finally got rid of. That's how he sees me but thats the last thing I want to be. It's so hard not to talk to him and call him all the time. I already do way to much but I try to keep myself busy so I dont think about him. A lot of the times I think about calling him I call someone else instead. I can't keep doing this. I love him so much but all the love in the world couldnt make him happy. He just doesnt believe me.

I like her

http://kimbolacity.blogspot.com/

I'm that girl

It was hard for me to give him his space; not to call him in the middle of the night when I cried myself to sleep, not to ask him "Are you SURE this is what you want?" or "Why don't you love me anymore?"

I was desperate not to be "that girl." You know the one. The one who can't take a hint. The one who won't leave him alone. The one he's so glad that he finally got rid of. I couldn't be her. Wouldn't.

A Reading from The Book of Tia.

Grocery Shopping (or What I Thought About)

We were grocery shopping at three in the morning
for purple Kool-Aid and a pregnancy test.
I couldn't watch you sleep anymore
And K was revisiting some saccharine childhood craving.
It’s weird how things turn out sometimes.
Like the first time I sat in a Planned Parenthood at 15
wondering how I became “that kind of girl.”
Not knowing where I stand with you makes it worse.
Even though your tongue drips honey coated lies
drips baby I love yous
drips bullshit about your half-assed ambitions
drips sweet silly talk about a future that’ll never be ours.
Complicating it further is that girl we don’t talk about.
Your sixteen year old white trash baby doll lover
whose name is a bad word with your family
after she got you in fights
and in debt
and arrested.
You love her too? Great, good for you.
Lately you've been loving her long-distance from my bed
making me wonder who you’re really thinking of when the lights are out.
But the little girl in me says
please don’t leave me...just hold me a little longer.
And the insecure, quiet teenager in me says
maybe this is as good as it gets.
And the practical college student in me says
I don’t need your broke, going nowhere, out of work, lazy ass.
And the tattooed punk rock band slut in me says
Baby, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone so you’d better enjoy it while you've got it.
You owe me three hundred dollars
and you’re sleeping with someone else
and yet I keep coming back.
Because I feel like slumming?
Because I need some work done on my car?
Or maybe because I hate to feel alone.
The fluorescent grocery store lights hurt my eyes
and nothing will be decided tonight.
Three in the morning has come and gone
here in the frozen food section.
So my body is coming home to you,
but no one touches my soul,
and my pride I left back on aisle five.

Jaden's Birthday

Today is Jaden's 3rd birthday and it was very stressful at the beginning. Jaden had fun with the family and it wasn't bad having my whole family at my place. I had so much things to do and then there was all the Jeremy drama too. He doesnt know when to quit sometimes, but neither do I. I'm just sick of his bipolar behavior and all the fighting. Most of the time I fight with him cuz I'm mad at him for something he did, thinking of doing, or said. Though the big reason is cuz he doesnt want to be with me and I think he should suffer like I do cuz of it.  I mean he still wants to have casual sex like I'm some bootycall and that's it. Just has sex with me then leaves. I dont want that, if I did I would do it with someone who doesn't matter to me. It just breaks my heart, but what am i suppose to do about it? I can't keep refusing him then he will start fucking someone else and I dont want that. And i fucking hate that he doesnt even care I'm with other ppl or if I date someone else. Like he's not in love with me anymore that it doesnt hurt him. w/e it all sucks.

Yesterday

Yesterday was plain crazy. I really dont want to go into details. Oh man!

P.s. its Jaden's Birthday today.  more on that later today