Shirley's World

30 things to stop doing to yourself

2012-01-12T17:32:00.000-05:00

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Who me?

2011-06-12T04:54:00.000-04:00

“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.”

Who am I?

That's a question everyone asks themselves. How we see ourselves and how other perceive us have always been in my case two different things. I can't say I've never been a certain way that wasn't healthy but I won't honestly say that is me. Adapting a certain way to survive is human nature, but i am not saying I was trying to survive. Me myself have been a number of things that in life wasn't all that praised or that I even liked myself but acted that way out of temptation or just plain naiveté or lack of self esteem. I can't blame everything on those things because it was me who did them or acted that way.

I'm way too emotional.

I changed and I want a real chance. Though it seems I'll never get it no matter how much I say I will. Won't stop me from it nor will my feelings change.

You can trust me.

You know what I want.

"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes."

Can't we just live happily ever after?

2011-06-01T19:20:00.001-04:00

"Love knows no reasons, Love knows no lies. Love defies all reasons, Love has no eyes, but Love is not blind, Love sees but doesn't mind."

Some tragedy happens where the woman needs to be saved and the man recused her from evil. I don't see how that can't happen to me. My life is a tragedy; Shakespeare worked his magic on it, where I fell in love just to be left. I don't really think they all ended that way but that's how this tragedy is shaping out to be.

This is No Romeo & Juliet, no Othello, no Midsummer's night dream. This is my life and maybe for once I would like Shakespeare to stop with the this tragedy and just let me find love without taking it away.

A fairytale ending is just that, a fairytale.

"Hatred stirreth up strifes, but love covereth all sins."

My soul is fighting a battle you will never understand

2011-05-30T00:52:00.000-04:00
"At the end of the day, it's up to us to choose to focus on what tears us apart or holds us together."

The end has happened and now darkness takes over my heart. You had no faith in my words or me. Crushed my spirit to the the equator of the Earth. Lies were told and promises made to the point i was blinded by love and life. When you took it all away, should I be seeing clearly?

Is Love Blinding?

My feelings are still there, visible. I look at the tears running down my face and I know I wasn't faking.

I did not cheat.

What I say doesn't matter because you will not believe the words my heart speak. To you I am untrue. My being is not trustworthy. My love is not enough or even real. Am i fake?

Do I even exist?

Hurts to know I will not see your face and not hear you speak those three words everyone longs to hear.

This this goodbye?

I'm afraid not.

"The past is only a story that helps us understand who we are today and who we want to be tomorrow; but never should it be held against us."

Did being angry ever get anyone, anywhere?

2011-05-28T23:32:00.000-04:00
"The pathway in life isn't always smooth, u may find obstacles along the way but that don't mean that you must stop and turn around, keep going forward."

Ever since failed relationship with a love that turned sour years ago, I try not to lie. I have slipped up, ie. February (you can't know) but doesn't mean I can take it. I'm weak in nature and lying too much is something I can't keep up. Being good at lying is not a life goal people strive for but i can't say i don't know people who makes it their life goal.

Trust?

It's a sad day in hell when a love one decides loving you is too much of a bother. I'm unhappy.

What did being angry ever get anyone, anywhere?

Pink Tacos.

I am more than just sad, I'm livid.

I am trustworthy.
Trust me
I know.

You think this will make you happy? I beg to differ.

"If you don't like something, change it...if you can't change it, change your attitude, don't complain."

Show that coming

2011-05-28T22:41:00.000-04:00
Carpe diem sine metu. Latin Proverb meaning "Seize the day without fear."

Life is a truly fucked up thing. You wake up one day and everything is perfect fine and your future set, then slowly it's all taken away from you with two little words.

I thought I had everything but turned out to be empty promises to a promise land i wasn't invited to. My soul is gone, given away to a heartless victim. He swallowed me whole and spat me out and now I'm cold, wet, and alone.

Why is everyone looking for love?

I ask myself one thing, why was I so stupid?

Anything worth a damn isn't easy to get; anything easy to get isn't worth a damn.

What Was I Put On Earth For?

2010-11-23T14:09:00.000-05:00

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." ~ Dr. Suess

Sometimes things aren't what you hoped for and your at a point in your life where things should be different. I need something more than this, i can't live so little anymore. I may be young but everyone needs to grow up someday, sometime. Can't I ever want more for myself? Apparently not, I can't amount to anything. I will never be somebody. I will never marry anyone. I will never have more kids. I will never have a life I can be proud of. Why am I here? ~~What was I put on Earth for?~~

I don't understand why I am so not okay with this life. Nothing good is said about me, I can't even have a decent relationship, and not sure how to be happy.

"We all make mistakes. The wise admit and learn from them. The insecure deny them. The foolish repeat them. And the godly forgive them."

50 of the many reasons why i love Shirley Carmona from my boyfriend

2010-11-17T23:44:00.000-05:00
1. her smile
2. her eyes and the way they light up for me
3. how happy she makes me
4. the way she teases me
5. how much she misses me when im gone
6. the way she makes me feel when im with her
7. her hair, specially when it gets messy
8. how she wore that school girl outfit for me
9. the way she hugs me and kisses me
10. how she always fits perfectly when we cuddle
‎11. how she loves my cornyness
12. the way she loves my pet name for her (love muffin)
13. the way she cooks for me
14. the way she keeps me fed even when she doesnt
15. how everytime i see her its like the first time everytime
16. how she can make sweatpants and a tshirt with no make up look sexy
17. how much sexier it is when she does dress up
18. her lips
19. the way she will dance around all silly in front of me
20. how well we get along, despite our differences

‎21. the differences we do have
22. how she has watched every episode of dragon ball Z
23. how she loves my guitar playing
24. how she will lounge around in her pjs all day with me
25. her pjs
26. all her hello kitty gear, mainly that hat
27. how she convinced me to get skype
28. the way she always falls asleep on me when we do skype
29. how i leave skype open when i fall asleep and wake up to her being there
30. the way she sings in spanish

‎31. how she says AIII instead of OWE when i bite her
32. DAT ASS
33. how she is who she is, and doesnt apologize to anyone
34. how absolutely adorable she is
35. how she makes me feel so wanted
36. how easy she is to scare
37. how kinky she is
38. how much time she spends on facebook games
39. the way she play fights with me
40. the way she actually fights with me sometimes

‎41. how we started dating
42. how she is still dating me
43. how she loves my beard
44. the way she flirts with me even tho she already has me
45. how we can talk for hours and hours and not get bored
46. how shes a nerd just like me
47. the way she wears my clothes when i leave em there
48. the way she kisses me
49. the way she tells me she loves me
50. how im so fucking in love with her

u are amazing

2010-10-06T00:30:00.000-04:00

"well, i love spending time with you, i love your personality, your sense of humor. i love how easy it was for me to feel comfortable with you. i love the way you make me feel, i love the things about you who make you who you are. yea, i love you, i really do. at least from all i know about you at this point. i know it is still really early in our relationship and we really didnt talk to much before that, but when i tell you i love you i dont feel any regret or doubt about it. if you mean to ask "am i in love with you" i will tell you im falling, hard, in love with you.
i am truely happy to be with you, i feel truely lucky to have the chance."

Aww that's the sweetest thing from my man

A thing called life

2010-09-22T22:39:00.000-04:00
“When fate presents one with such a grand opportunity, what else is one to do?”

Guess it's been a long time since i've written. Last entry me and Fred were broken up. Surprise Surprise we got back together and broke up again of course long distance relationships don't usually work and in mine and Fred's case him ignoring me 24/7 doesn't work either even here. Not like he gives a shit or anything he hasn't been that guy who missed me in that red notebook in a long time. Go get to know some hoe Fred not like I was waiting for u to come back or anything. Guess I stop waiting after the random break up. Why bother caring they only like u when ur mean to them cuz the second u show love it's a sickness, a weakness they want to get away from.

Don't even get me started on Jeremy. He's confusing and simple at the same time. I think it's just easier for him to hate me then to actually have to bring up old feelings or any other than the ones he's grown a custom to when it comes to me. I get it I've been trying to change it but believe me I don't think it's happening. I really miss the guy who would come over when i was sick and said things to me that made me feel special.

It been a long time since I've felt grounded like things are in place and this is what's suppose to happen. I thought i had things figured out for once but people randomly let u down and mess things up.

I'm more sad than bitter when it comes to Fred and more bitter than sad when it comes to Jeremy.

"All you can do in life is be who you are; Some people will love you for you, most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all."

History on Repeat

2010-06-07T02:10:00.000-04:00
"People don't know what it means to love someone. what it involves. it's a little more effort than just saying it."

I didn't want to blog while me and Fred were broken up cuz I didn't want it to be like when I was with Jeremy and all the crazy emotional things I wrote and how I put my feelings out there to get shut down. When u finally realize that it's over and he doesn't want u back u become so sad and bitter. It's all I think about and when I'm around him all i think about is please be with me. It's sad and lonely.I get it. He treated me like shit enough ignoring me and making no effort to the point where i freaked and broke up with him only to realize it was stupid but to my surprise that was his plan, he didn't wanna look like the bad guy so he acts like an ass until i broke up with him and has no plans to be with me again. Mostly i think he said his reason was Jaden and a bunch of other half ass excuses. He likes other people/person. Calls her babe and she calls him love ugh barf. whatever i've obsess about it enough.

I fall madly in love and they fall out of it.

I've cried so many tears. He just keeps hitting me when I'm down. Has pulled the maybe card for over a month and still makes it so i believe he will come over this time. All I want is to see him and he just said no today like I really don't matter. I didn't know how to stop throwing myself at him cuz I thought maybe this time it will be different but it never is.

Fred=Jeremy
I traded one of another. My life is on repeat. History has spoken. Fred will leave for the summer without being my boyfriend to do god knows what me hating every second of everyday he refuses to be with me and me I guess finding someone new like I know Fred will while he hooks up this summer. Why else tell me to wait until he comes back if u don't want me now while I'm around then ur not gonna want me 3 months later. If u don't wanna be my bf now so what u can be single for the summer to do whoever u want and what think I'm gonna jump at the chance after u fucked around. HA! For all i know I'm just overreacting but how else am I suppose to act when ur madly in love with someone who has no interest in u.

It will take a lot of time and fuck ups before I will bury my feelings for him cuz I can't ever forget him. He feels like a part of me that i want back.

I have hit rock bottom.
Time to pick myself up again.

I have become boy crazy yikes. I knew I loved Fred but I didn't want this to happen. I thought he had it in him to make me happy and instead I got misery. U would think he would take me back so I can become nice and normal and not mean cuz this time I can show love. nope not the case.
UGH i need to shut up about Fred already. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. He doesn't want me back. sigh. goodbye my lover.

I miss when I wasn't a love sick twat!

"Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring and half of my heart is the part of a man who's never really loved anything."

2010-05-17T15:53:00.001-04:00

Your Love Is My Drug

2010-05-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

Ke$ha - Your Love Is My Drug .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

Ke$ha might be dumb and sing songs about stupid immature stuff but I can't help but love this song and it's how I feel about my love.
LYRICS
Maybe I need some rehab
Or maybe just need some sleep
I got a sick obsession
I'm seein it in my dreams
I'm lookin down every alley
I'm makin those desperate calls
I'm stayin up all night hopin hitin my head against the wall

What you got boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time
Im all strung out my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind!

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

Wont listen to any advice
Mommas tellin me I should think twice
But look into my own devices, im addicted its a crisis
My friends think ive gone crazy
My judgments gettin kinda hazy
My steeze is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crack head

What you got boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time
Im all strung out my heart is fried
I just cant get you off my mind!

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

I dont care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when your with me
But crash and crave you when you leave

Hey, so I got a question
Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?
Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum
Is my love your drug? your drug?
Huh, your drug?
Huh, your drug?
Is my love your drug?

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
Your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

Hey, heyy, sooo
You love, your love your love, is my drug
(She says) I like your beard

Life is killing me

2010-05-06T02:51:00.000-04:00
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” - Helen Keller

Money is so tight don't have anything left. Can't get out of my magazine subscriptions. Jaden drives me nuts. Really don't have a lot of food. My boyfriend was stressing me out. Jeremy did his usual childish blabbing fighting with me over nuthin he has no common sense. Told Jeremy he's not allowed in my house, so now finding ways to shuffle Jaden 4 days a month now too. My body hurts. Needs to know where I stand in this cruel game called life but i think I'm losing.

"If you are going to misunderstand me, misunderstand me correctly."

101 Things To Do With Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

2010-05-03T18:26:00.000-04:00

1. Watch the sunset together.
2. Take showers together.
3. Back rubs/massages.
4. Listen to classical music and cuddle in the dark
or w/blacklight.
5. French Kiss.
6. Hold her w/ hands inside the back of her shirt.
7. Whisper to each other.
8. Cook for each other
9. Skinny dip.
10. Make out in the rain.
11. Dress each other.
12. Undress each other.
13. Kiss every part of their body.
14. Hold hands.
15. Sleep together. (Actually sleep with each
other*not
sex)
16. One word*Foreplay
17. Sit and talk in just underwear.
18. Buy gifts for each other.
19. Roses.
20. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear
it
every time you*re together.
21. Wear his clothes.
22. Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the
stars.
23. Incense/candles/oils/blacklights and music make
great for sex (cuddling)
24. Kiss at every chance you get.
25. Don*t wear underwear and let them find out.
26. Kinky is bad*Blindfolds are good.
27. Lightly kiss their collarbone and their
jawbone just below the ear,then whisper I love you.
28. Bubble baths.
29. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
30. Make love.
31. Write poetry for each other.
32. Kiss/smell her hair.
33. Hugs are the universal medicine.
34. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make
sure they know you mean it.
35. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
36. Tell her that she*s the only girl you ever want.
Don*t lie.
37. Spend every second possible together.
38. Tell her that she doesn*t have to do anything she
doesn*t want to. And mean it.
39. Look into each other*s eyes.
40. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes,
tell her you love her,and kiss her lightly.
41. Talk to each other using only body language and
your eyes.
42. When in public, only flirt w/ each other.
43. Walk behind her and put your hands in her front
pockets.
44. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren*t
looking.
45. Clothes are no fun.
46. Buy her a ring.
47. Keep one of her bras somewhere where you see it
everyday.
48. Sing to each other.
49. Read to each other.
50. PDA = Public Display of Affection.
51. Take advantage of any time alone together.
52. Tell her about how you answered every question in
math with her name.
53. Draw. (If you can)
54. Let her sit on your lap.
55. Go hiking and camp out together in the woods or
on a mountain.
56. Lips were made for kissing. So were eyes, and
fingers,and cheeks,and collarbones, and hands,and
ears.
57. Kiss her stomach.
58. Always hold her around her hips/sides.
59. Guys like half-shirts.
60. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two
deal.
61. Spaghetti* (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
62. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand
and then put it over your heart.
63. Unless you can feel their heart beating, you
aren*t close enough.
64. Dance together.
65. Sit in front of a roaring fire and make out/make
love.
66. I love the way a girl looks right after she*s
fallen asleep with her head in my lap.
67. Carry her to bed.
68. Waterbeds are fun.
69. You figure it out.
70. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so
that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
71. Break every one of your parent*s relationship
rules for them.
72. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
73. Even if you are really busy doing something, go
out of your way to call and say I love you.
74. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you
were thinking about them.
75. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
76. Ride your bike 8 miles just to see them for a few
hours.
77. Ride home and call them.
78. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
79. Somehow incorporate them into any kind of
religion or worship you have.
80. Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie
Points)
81. Act out mutual fantasies together. (Not
necessarily sexual)
82. Brush her hair out of her face for her.
83. Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to be
sweet to them.
84. Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie
points)
85. Go to church/pray/worship together.
86. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the
parts she liked.
87. Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear
night.
88. Learn from each other and don*t make the same
mistake twice.
89. Everyone deserves a second chance.
90. Describe the joy you feel just to be with
him/her.
91. Make sacrifices for each other.
92. Really love each other, or don*t stay together.
93. Write a fictional story about how you met/fell in
love, etc. and give it to them.
94. Let there never be a second during any given day
that you aren*t thinking about them, and make sure
they know it.
95. Love yourself before you love anyone else.
96. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
97. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
98. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
99. Sleep naked together.
100. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
101. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And
always remember to say, "Sweet dreams.

Bust

2010-05-01T01:37:00.000-04:00
"Fighting is the first sign of love."

I was excited on April 30th thought he would love his gifts but it quickly faded with the same disappointed feeling that comes when he is involved. It's unbelievable the lengths he will go to be an insensitive ass. Does it kill u to accept a gift? I told Jaden we were gonna give his dad a gift and I get there and of course he won't open the door and even had the fucking nerve to not even let me leave it on his car. I can't believe a waste of money & gas was used so i can just keep making a fool of myself. Me acknowledging that it's his birthday is the end of the world while everyone else is free to give him a cake and celebrate with him. I hate that no wonder what he will always treat me like I don't matter, it's like our relationship all over again. Can't he stop being a non-caring ass cuz this whole not getting along shit is getting old. He never even sees Jaden out of the 4 days a month he takes him. At least when we got along he would come over and hang out with us. I wouldn't even care if he just went out with Jaden for a little bit since he doesn't wanna be around me.

When I woke up I had to cancel all the shit I had planned to send him. It fucking hurt but really I shouldn't be rewarding him with such terrible behavior. I also thought I was going to be stuck with a tint job (i dont have a car) but some people are just nice :) . The hard part was canceling the thing i ordered online but since he didn't get it i success-ed. God i would of looked like a tool. I'm really just angry how uncaring he really is. I hate going everyday with him not wanting me to talk to him, see him, or just be in his life. It's unbearable him never thinking about me or missing me. Stupid Ashley. He thought he had something special with her. 3 months of bullshit, lies, and cheating. Now all he does is pine over her and think about her. why? They had the lamest relationship ever. She never cared about him. Used him is more like it, he's such a sucker. And now he treats me like trash. It was never this bad before. Wish i knew how to give up but I can't when my feelings are to strong for words.

Love Stinks.

"Love doesn't come from finding that perfect person, but learning to love an imperfect person perfectly."

I think to much

2010-04-27T15:16:00.000-04:00
"No matter what you do, say, or believe...there is someone, somewhere, that's going to disagree."

Life is a bitch. I do things that i know is wrong but love blinds you. I long for things I know I will never get again.

Me and Fred got back together. We needed to talk things out and breaking up happened cuz we weren't in front of each other working things out.

My feelings haven't changed. I am an emotional wreck. I still don't have the love i need. Hopefully i can treat Fred a little better even if he bugs me.

I always dream of a better world. A world were i'm happy and nothing bad every happened.

Why did I ever fall in love? Feels like the worst mistake I ever made but then I wouldn't have somethings in my life, but then the pain would go away.

immaturity at it's finest

2010-04-25T16:07:00.000-04:00
Why my boyfriend felt the need to freak out yesterday over a song is beyond me. Pulling my hair back and grabbing the cable out was a little stupid. Though he topped it all off by climbing out the car window after tim told him to get out and calm down cuz he didn't want him around while like that. Then me and Tim spent a long time trying to find him in Chicopee. Tracked him down in South Hadley. I get out of the car and try to get him to back. Total déjà vu from when Jeremy use to leave me and i would chase after him. Then Fred just ran off and me and Tim did a cat and mouse chase after him for a good hour. Fred just didn't even care about me or Tim. He made his choice and had to find his own way home. He won't take any of my million calls/text. I was really worried about him. I didn't want to leave him. He won't talk to me. I wanted to sleep with him last night and couldn't. I wanna see him before I go home but I'm not gonna show up unwanted. I feel like this is gonna be the end. I wish he would let me know what's going on with us if there still is an us.......

Love ain't easy

2010-04-20T23:28:00.000-04:00

"what do I feel? Like a loser who can’t seem to get a grasp on her emotions. Why me? I don’t deserve shit like this, all my life, I was thrown shit at, I went through everything, I know how to stay..."

So i can't talk to someone i love. Just seeing the words he types even if hurtful is all i have left. I never wanted things to be so bad between us and I wanted to make things right. But i can't control myself enough to not force my eagerness to talk upon him. He won't talk to me if I'm nice and asking about his day. And then when i finally get so mad cuz he can just ignore me so easy then he wants to just tell me off. I don't even know what to do. I really hate this, u have no idea how much pain i'm in/feel. I've never felt depressed like this.

People wonder why I try to be emotionless and why in relationships i'm not the best cuz showing interest and love to someone gives them the power to hurt u. I'm not as strong as i would like others to believe i am. When i fall for someone i fall for them hard and its impossible to shake it off. It's no excuse. It's half my fault. It takes 2 to tango.

We were never prefect and after time things got to a routine, but now i miss that more. i like simple low key things i never wanted much, knew money was an issue. People take things for grant wish i hadn't. I love him and that's how it will always be. I don't want to use him. I don't want to feel like a dirty little secret like I use to feel with him. I wanted people to know i was with him and he still cared enough to be with me even if just sexual. He didnt want anyone to know we were together, what we were doing cuz he cares only about the bad people say.

I don't want to be forgotten by him. Thats why i text him just letting him know I'm still here waiting to be loved.


"i found out time can heal just about anything & maybe ull find out who u're supposed to be, i didnt know who i was supposed to be at 15."

formspring.me

2010-02-25T20:48:00.001-05:00
Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Insanechicka33

A late Christmas wish.

2009-12-28T17:03:00.000-05:00
"One of the best things about blogging is finding friends all over the world. (In an awesome way, not a creepy chat-room type way.) We're lucky because we've built a community of people we can count on, even if they're people we've never met. Here is a guest post that proves the amazing power of the internet."

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did

Stolen

2009-10-27T23:45:00.001-04:00
"I am not the girl that most guys would expect to really like. I am not the girl they wanna make their "girlfriend". I am usually the one they call for a good time, the one who listens and helps, the one who takes away the pain and stress if only for a little while. Yet, usually the one they send home after the good time has been had. The one who doesn't get Xmas gifts or b-day wishes, or even a shoulder to cry on when needed. They don't always answer my calls or text. I get put off for a weekend or for after midnight. I am the side chick, the friend with benefits, the booty call. Never nothing more, never less. It usually doesn't end until I cut the cord because with me they have the best of both worlds. The great sex and the friend."

Jon Gosselin is a douchebag

2009-09-09T00:26:00.000-04:00
This Douchebag is pretty much all i have to say or think. Yea he pretty much reminds me of Jeremy though the situation is different i still though of Jeremy, odd weird hmmm.

read the link then u will see what I mean

Depression almost killed my blog

2009-09-03T22:30:00.000-04:00
I havent' posting in forever. Was to depressed basically cuz of who know who. Oh well fuck him and his stupid gf
*eye roll*

anywho

Life has been good. Finally started to actually like my new bf and not fighting about how i dont love him. I'm glad that has stopped it was annoying as fuck. Though we did get into a fight today :(

He told a very good odd awkward friend of mine to stop talking to me cuz i'm his gf. I'm like WTF! What gives u the right seriously im just talking to him thats all. Yea like a year and half ago i messed around with him but nuthin since. He's like i dont want u talking to people u had sex with.

A. I never had sex with my good odd awkward friend hes a 23 yea old virgin.
B. The only friend I have and hang out with are my ex boyfriends
C. He probably talks to people he has had sex with though he says he doesnt really

So I called Tim to pick me up and left his house. He come out wondering why I left and asking me to come back if I wanted to. I told him maybe later I'll come back but for right now its best I leave. So we kissed and I left. I went to Tim's but couldn't get out of the car i sit in his car when im depressed or sad. Told me to take me to Freds and thats where i am now.

He was having a shitty day so I thought why the fuck not, its not like im going to fuck him right?

JK Wedding Entrance Dance

2009-07-27T02:40:00.001-04:00

so amazing and fun wedding dance

Super Dad

2009-07-15T18:11:00.001-04:00

Google Voice

2009-06-25T17:24:00.001-04:00

sweet deal

Jaden funny

2009-06-21T20:54:00.001-04:00

jaden is so cute

TweetValue | How much is your Twitter profile worth?

2009-06-13T00:18:00.001-04:00
TweetValue | How much is your Twitter profile worth?

Shared via AddThis

#squarespace

2009-06-09T14:41:00.000-04:00
iphone 30 day giveaway

Squarespace is a site that host websites or something like that for 8 bucks a month. They are doing a iphone giveaway for 30 days. though really they are giving out an apples giftcard for $199 which is the price of the new iphone coming out this month or buy 2 older iphones for $99. Plus u dont even need to buy an iphone with the gift card either. U need a Twitter account to enter into the giveaway. u need to tweet #squarespace at least once a day for the next 30 days. u reenter everyday. they say a new winner each day by random on there twitter page and website.

good luck

JAI HO (Remix)

2009-06-01T15:23:00.001-04:00

The dancing Filipino prisoners do Jai Ho!

fuck it. yell at me if u want.

2009-05-29T15:02:00.000-04:00
i am an actual good girlfriend. im so sick of this shit. im making myself sick over how to make u stop hating me, getting annoyed by every little thing. im been trying Jeremy but u can at least try to be nice to me, stop calling me names, meet me half way. do something. god u r not a good boyfriend and put up with all the mean things everyday just so i can be with u. why would all my fucking ex boyfriend want me back if i was such a bad girlfriend? I am the only one who will put up with u Jeremy always. how many people have u pissed off and lost as a friend? This fucking bitch here didn't talk to u for months ignored u and everything u sent her, and u think she is anything good. i always defend u everyday when people tell me how horrible u r to me how much of an ass u are and i dont even know these people they just read ur comments. from wat i heard ur not a good one but its all from someone else mouth ur hearing it from a pissy boyfriend idk u & u idk so shut ur fucking mouth.

bgbhhhb

2009-05-29T00:00:00.001-04:00

P.TwittyTV EPISODE #9 - MY SON CHRISTIAN LIKES TO DANCE TOO!!!

2009-05-27T03:45:00.001-04:00

like the effects and Diddy's son dancing so cute

Won't Back Down - help repeal Prop 8

2009-05-26T17:23:00.001-04:00

Let gay couples get married in Cali!

Ipod Shuffle CHALLENGE! What 10 songs do you have on your shuffle?

2009-05-25T08:10:00.001-04:00

Do my friend Tyler Fitzner Ipod Shuffle Challenge!

Follow him on twitter
www.twitter.com/nihongotako

websites I've been visiting

2009-05-25T07:49:00.002-04:00
I've been reading and there is always a website to visit after u read a book.

http://www.miathermopolis.com/
After finishing The Princess Diaries series. i can't believe its over :(

http://www.prettylittleliars.com/
After I finished Wicked the 5th book in an 8 book series

http://www.megcabot.com
After reading Airhead the first book of a series that i know from going to website has 3 book so far.

Also there are their facebook,twitter, myspace, becoming a fan of on facebook, ect to do also to be updated.

Non book related websites I came along.
http://www.cornify.com/

http://twitthis.com/

http://www.bubbletweet.com/

http://patriciasnow.ecrater.com/index.php

http://www.imeem.com/

pics of Jaden today

2009-05-18T03:45:00.003-04:00

What Britney Spears song are u?

2009-05-17T23:18:00.002-04:00

Your Result: Oops... I Did It Again
Did you do it again? Yes, yes you did, and you liked it. You are a stubborn individual and when someone tells you not to do something, you do it anyways. Do you get a satisfaction from disobeying ordes? Probably. This gives you a sense of being a rebel and following your own path.

Pretty Little Liars

2009-05-17T05:18:00.000-04:00
I love this series and I just found out there are going to be 8 books in total. I just finished Wicked the 5th book and the 6th book Killer comes out June 30th. I can't fucking wait! I'm so excited. There is such crazy plot twist that my head is gonna explode.

Here is books 1-6 so far and some details on the books.

Pretty Little Liars
In the exclusive Philadelphia suburb of Rosewood, Alison is the Queen Bee of her elite seventh grade hive. BFs Aria, Hanna, Spencer, and Emily vie for her attention, even as each of them hides a hideous secret only Alison knows. So when Alison goes missing after a slumber party, never to be seen again, each girl is heartbroken, but also a little relieved. Now it is three years later, and though the four girls have grown apart, they are each still hiding something. Artsy Aria is carrying on an affair with one of her teachers, fashionista Hanna shoplifts to accessorize her trendy outfits, blue-blood Spencer is sleeping with her older sister’s boyfriend, while straight-A Emily is trying to ignore her attraction to a new female classmate. When the girls begin receiving threatening text messages and emails that from someone known only as "A," they must confront the fact that against all odds, it appears Alison is back. Could Alison still be alive? And if so, why is she so determined to uncover all their dirty little secrets?
Debut author Sara Shepard's shamelessly addictive blend of Desperate Housewives and I Know What You Did Last Summer is absolutely delicious. Her infusion of mystery and murder breathes new life into the tired genre of high society chick lit, and will give fans of Gossip Girl and The A-List something new to dig their French-manicured nails into.

Flawless
In the exclusive town of Rosewood, Pennsylvania, where the sweetest smiles hide the darkest secrets, four pretty little liars—Spencer, Aria, Emily, and Hanna—have been very bad girls. . . .

Spencer stole her sister's boyfriend. Aria is brokenhearted over her English teacher. Emily likes her new friend Maya . . . as much more than a friend. And Hanna's obsession with looking flawless is literally making her sick. But the most horrible secret of all is something so scandalous it could destroy their perfect little lives.

And someone named "A" is threatening to do just that.

At first they thought A was Alison, their friend who vanished three years ago . . . but then Alison turned up dead. So could A be Melissa, Spencer's ultracompetitive sister? Or Maya, who wants Emily all to herself? What about Toby, the mysterious guy who left town right after Alison went missing?

One thing's for certain: A's got the dirt to bury them all alive, and with every crumpled note, wicked IM, and vindictive text message A sends, the girls get a little closer to losing it all.

Perfect
In Rosewood, Pennsylvania, four perfect-looking girls aren't nearly as perfect as they seem.

Aria can't resist her forbidden ex. Hanna is on the verge of losing her BFF. Emily is freaking out over a simple kiss. And Spencer can't keep her hands off anything that belongs to her sister.

Lucky me. I know these pretty little liars better than they know themselves. But it's hard keeping all of their secrets to myself. They better do as I say . . . or else!

Unbelievable
Four pretty little liars' charmed lives have turned into living nightmares.

Emily's been shipped off to Iowa to live with her überconservative cousins. Aria's boyfriend is behind bars—because of her. Spencer's afraid she was involved in Ali's murder. But Hanna's fate is far worse: She's clinging to life in the hospital because she knew too much.

If these girls don't start listening to me, Hanna's going to look like the lucky one.

Wicked
In idyllic Rosewood, Pennsylvania, where Burberry earmuffs keep diamond-studded ears warm, four very pretty girls have done some very wicked things. . . .

High school juniors Hanna, Spencer, Emily, and Aria have paid dearly for their sins. A stalker named "A" terrorized them for months and revealed their darkest secrets. But now that A's true identity has been revealed, the girls can finally go back to their pretty little lives.

Only, once a pretty little liar, always a pretty little liar—and these girls just can't help but be bad. Hanna will do anything to be Rosewood's queen bee. Spencer starts stealing . . . from her parents. Emily can't stop thinking about her new boyfriend. And Aria approves a little too strongly of her mom's taste in men.
As the secrets get darker and the scandals juicier, the consequences turn deadly. After all, girls who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. And in Rosewood, someone is always watching. . . .

Killer
In the sixth installment of the series, four pretty little girls get closer to the truth…including the identity of the killer whose actions have haunted the town for years. All the while, the new “A” is watching their every move, sending them vicious texts about the secrets they keep. Secrets like Emily’s ultra-serious relationship with Isaac. Spencer’s search for the truth about her family. Hanna’s vow to one-up her stepsister. And Aria’s blossoming relationship with someone she’s had a crush on for years. There’s one thing we know for sure about Rosewood—lives can turn inside out in a blink of an eye. People who seemed guilty are suddenly innocent, and vice versa. Alliances once thought inconceivable are now possible. And the biggest secret of all is something none of the girls could have imagined in a million years…
Except A, of course. Because A knows all.

prettylittleliars

swollen lip

2009-05-11T16:37:00.000-04:00

my lip has swollen up like a mother fucker. It hurts. Could be an infection of some sort or just a reaction. whoo knows it sucks. hopefully it goes down. I have finals :(

Life isn't so bad right now

2009-05-03T14:16:00.000-04:00
I haven't writen a blog in forever cuz I don't know what to say sometimes. Life has been pretty good. I mean there are always ups and downs. Me and Jeremy still fight and shit but it has been getting better. I saw Wolverine last night with him. It had its moments but basicly not so great. Though he looked good :)
Me and Tim have beening out more which is good cuz all he was doing was working like Jeremy. And it's not fun that I can't see anyone cuz they work all day :(

Still no seeing Fred though he hates it. Even though he seriously asked me to marry him. I'm like wtf Fred u don't want to marry me just stop that right now.

I've been buying dresses and skirts and more summer type clothing. I didn't really have any summertime dresses u know. I was more into wearing long jeans in the summer and never showing my legs and thats why they were always lighter than my body. Still not wearing short though it did cross my mind, which makes me think i'm losing it.

So hoping things go better with me and Jeremy and stay better. And Tim works but not so much he can't spend time with me, also putting Jeremy on that too. And hopefully me and Fred can stay being friendly and not have it go sour

413-538-2363

Hollie Steel - Britain's Got Talent - Show 3

2009-04-26T01:38:00.001-04:00

I love these surprise wow people on this show

The World is standing still

2009-04-22T23:55:00.000-04:00
I think he just wants to break up. why else will he be acting like this everytime and doing it over & over and being so stubborn where I can't even be near him? When I actually need him he's unreachable, nowhere to be seen or he would just leave anyways. I can't stand that. I leave the room upset and in tears so he just walks out the front door no goodbyes to me or Jaden. Like we don't even matter enough. And I go outside asking why he's leaving begging him to stay come back stop being a stubborn asshole over fucking nuthin. What does he do? He just keeps on walking like I'm not even there outside crying trying to get him to stop leaving again. I'm sick of making a fool out of myself for someone who is bearly apart of my life. The way he is with Jaden sometimes pisses me off cuz he's teaching him wrong and getting to say things he shouldn't. Jaden and Jeremy think its funny when it's not.

I don't feel like i'm in a relationship. I don't feel like his girlfriend. He doesn't treat me like i am. He doesn't treat me special. He doesn't call me when he's worried about me or even worries about me. Like two days ago was the nicest thing he has said to me in a long time.
"I love you more than anything in the world. i love who you are and what you look like."

If only he treated me like he loved me more than anything in the world.

I'm just really sad. Everything is falling apart again. He's doing the same old thing again. I see him even less and talk to him even less cuz of his second job. I'm always alone nowadays. Everyone I want to see is to busy or im not allowed to see them.

I just want things to work out again.

My life is a bore

2009-04-21T16:16:00.000-04:00
Boring. Haven't done much. I get to go anywhere with Tim anymore cuz he rather work than do anything with me. Fred has been a bit of a drama queen having fits about everything. Hopefully he will stop cuz it's getting annoying and makes me not want to talk to him. But then he says things and does things that are great.
Jeremy didn't pay his phone bill so no texting or caling him. I bearally get to speak to him and when i need to get a hold of him i can't. Plus when I saw him for an hour yesterday it didn't go well. He just leaves even when I beg him to not go. He doesnt have any time for me. And yesterday it seemed like he had somewhere else to be or someone better to see. I always think the worst.
I have no money. I owe 2 months of rent, cable bill, and i can't buy anything for Jaden cuz Jeremy hasn't paid child support in forever.
Jaden keeps going outside but hopefully I get that problem fixed today.

17 again

2009-04-18T03:32:00.003-04:00
Just saw 17 Again. It was good put a lot of things to view. Like getting pregnant in High School but I didn't get married. U think if u could do it all over again that u would still end up making the same choice again. Overall in the movie the choice he made in the first place was the best choice. Being with the love of ur life getting married and having a baby at 17 instead of going to college playing college ball and possibly going pro hmmm........

If u went back in time to redo everything would u change it or would u end up doing the samething without even realizing it?

what's it to u

2009-04-14T01:33:00.000-04:00
I saw Hannah Montana the movie! I know ur so jealous. I saw it with Tim who wasn't excited like I was. But over all it was a good movie. I'm feeling really shitty having some problems. I have some Easter candy that me and Tim got at Target for 50%.
Tim has informed me that he's working all the rest of the week from 1-6 :(
Not ok. But it's finally my weekend off even though its not really a weekend since Jeremy doesn't get out of work until like 6ish so he can't get Jaden from daycare.
Jeremy still doesn't have his car but says he will get it tomorrow night at least. Hopefully soon we will spend sometime together.
Still not allowed to see Fred :(

Movies that I want to see this month: Fast & Furious, 17 again and Adventureland

Easter

2009-04-13T05:08:00.000-04:00
I went to Jeremy's aunts house for Easter shit this year. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Jaden like always was a pain sometime. Carly was cute and talking to me about anything that pop into her head at the beginning. We ate, we talk, and we saw a really bad movie :)
Carly and Jaden did can Easter egg hunt and it was fun taking pictures of them looking for eggs that me and Jeremy hid in the front yard. Me and Jeremy didnt really fight so that's a plus.

Tim came over after he got home from Boston. Jaden omg i swear i am on my last nerves with him. Talk to Fred a little bit only. I feel bad he never has any good holidays.

OMG! I'm seeing the Hannah Montana movie today with Timmy. Can't wait. Also Target to get Easter candy for a million percent off. YAY!

Negativity is my life

2009-04-10T09:04:00.000-04:00
I haven't been writing in my blog for a while now. I've been to blah to take the time to do so. I was happy, then depressed, then more depressed etc etc. I hate that I was so happy at one point and it all went to fucking shit. These people are all treating me different and my feelings are a mess. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm lovestruck, and I'm fucking hysterical. I'm so stressed and I'm falling apart slowly but surely.

I feel fake. My relationship feels empty like there an outside holding it into shape but nuthin to fill it. My life is backwards. The guy who isn't my boyfriend acts like it and the guy who is my boyfriend doesn't. It's just who they are as people. I can't change them and tell them to snap out of it, ur driving me nuts. I'm just one of those people who still feel lonely in a crowded room.

I feel guilty all the time for thinking these types of things. For talking to Fred all the time instead of Jeremy. Wishing that we could carry on a conversation. How I'm a lousy mother. How I think about dying. How I'm so negative all the time lately.

I don't fator into anyone life other than Jaden's and that's only because he lives with me. It would be a different story if he didn't.

I haven't felt this alone in a very long time.

:(

2009-04-08T17:41:00.002-04:00
[Verse 1:]
Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

[Pre Chorus:]
And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

[Chorus:]
And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you into my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

[Verse 2:]
Damn,
Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you

[Pre Chorus:]

[Chorus:]

[Ad libs]

[Chorus:]

Lady GaGa - Poker face Rock cover

2009-04-02T17:36:00.001-04:00

awesome love this song

My new sweet baby - Kylie!

2009-03-31T03:15:00.001-04:00

What do you think about my little new baby Kylie?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?

My new sweet baby - Jamie!

2009-03-31T02:55:00.001-04:00

What do you think about my little new baby Jamie?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2009-03-31T02:02:00.001-04:00

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

blah blah life

2009-03-29T20:14:00.000-04:00
I'm glad Fred is out of the hopstial. My weekend I was mostly with Tim like always since he's like my only friend basicly cuz I'm a loser. Jaden was very sick all weekend at Jeremy's house but he's perfectly fine now and overly hungry from lack of food in him. I have no cell and I'm still pretty unsure how to pay my rent in like 3 days. I dont have much to say.

IQ

2009-03-28T00:31:00.001-04:00

Free-IQTest.net - IQ Test

months worth of quotes

2009-03-27T12:50:00.004-04:00
"night babe im going to bed now i watch u sleep for a hour your so cute, love you so much so hope u dream about me.
ok we need to do something so we can talk for hours about something.
when i was growing up, i was told never to say "cant" cause it was negative.
is it cant for u shirley or is it wont?
i would do so much for you, i call i try to make you happy, yeah i cant see you , i cant drive you places, but im nice to you when u are bitchy i treat you like goddess i try my best and i get nothing.
i miss you and love you.
i dont wanna break u and jj up.
then i want one thing, i want to let you know i truely love you and care, i think you are sexy no matter what you say, and ill stop with these ideas but i want you to call me for once and tell me something truthful.
when i say i love you, its a highest form of the word i rarely say it only say it when i truly mean it and that i care so much about that person.
not very often a pretty girl steals my words.
sweet carrying, somewhat bitchy at time but the bitchiness i can deal with, and see makes me really happy like i know i get all like bottle and stuff but the time i have been out with her it was fun even though i may of withdrawn but holding her and showing that im with her was fun, she's easy for me to talk to but sorta hard to understand and she want me to read her mind but i cant
and also she has a warm heart, that drives me crazy and she wonderful in bed and i tell her it all the time but i feel she doesnt believe me half the time.
if i could i would show her off so much
ur the best shirley.
i have to deal and stop causing so many problems for u.
ur in every dream, you in every thought ur in my mind so much now.
i cant read your mind no matter how much i want 2.
ur worth a life time of waiting.
last time im saying sorry for this but i want to be ask for forgiveness and ill stop trying so hard and over thinking so please talk ill be better.
Shirley when im with you i feel at peace, i feel i dont have to impress you. i fell i can sit and cuddle with you for hours and even care about anything else.
Your a goddess to me so beautiful making me feel important and accept me for who i am.
i would shoot my foot off but i need that to walk, so i can see u someday.
ur a naughty little goddess, im desperately attracted to.
do i have to like paint a picture of u naked like in titanic to get u to believe me?
and dont forget never time i come over im cooking you dinner.
you are either the nicest person i know or ur making fun of me.
ur a locked book that locked in a safe that inside of a blue whale who is frozen in ice. i wanna unlock it all though cause i wanna know you and i wanna understand you.
u can seduce me anytime.
why do u tease me so?
spent all night thinking about you.
miss everything about u
wanna lay next to you cause i like it and i love you and i want to
i have my only escape is getting and running cause i dont know the answer.
i dont want to see you sad i dont want you angry or depression i just want you to know im here
for you.
what do u want me to do, i care and want to know you feelings why cant you talk to me ill do anything just share a little bit.
i promise you that i will not become a dick and that i will not change who i am by doing this but its more of a way to show how much i want you.
i love you so much babe u making me really happy right now.
loooooooooooooooooooove you alot
love you and hope you have a tweet tweet day."

question of the day

2009-03-25T19:06:00.000-04:00
So i want to ask a question, Now I've been looking into history for answers and to prepare me for the future. But i rationalized what i should and how i should deal with certian issues but my motta is don't worry about the past and just deal with the present but in the end i just hurt myself and others but i wanna know more about this person or subject but i dont want keep hurting myself and the other perosn or subject really what should i do?

tonight

2009-03-22T22:44:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I hate Jeremy. Don't u think people didn't tell me to not try to be with him. That he's a loser and he will just hurt me. Though I still told people and I told them to shove it. Well Fred was the only one who was good about it surprisingly.

I can't tell him how I feel about it cuz we have a fight every time and Jeremy starts being mean and just leaving me crying. I just want things he's not willing to give me or doesn't think their important enough. Though I do love him.

cute pic of Jaden

"your sexy, I love u and I'm crazy about u."

Psycho Girlfriend

2009-03-20T14:51:00.001-04:00

lol

bitchy bitch bitch(fuck I'm in a horrible mood)

2009-03-20T02:38:00.000-04:00
Jeremy u suck. end of discussion. Peiord.

I could go into a long thing about how stupid he's being with not wanting to make our relationship more world wide but fuck it. my status will just say single cuz i doubt he put he was in a relationship. cuz people would just bitch right.

If u told people we r together, then why did u say not get bitched at by people that dont like me? If u already told people having us as in a relationship shouldnt be a problem on facebook. I'm not even going to say who or what i was thinking.

U think its nuthin but it bothers me that u wont do this. It doesnt even feel offical until everyone I know knows, u know. It kind of hurts my feelings. I'm going through so much too being with him and he cant even have u know who bitch at him. fuck.

Plus Tim u ruin everything. Quit it now please im sick of fighting/crying. Its mad annoying.

Fred there's nuthin i can say that u dont already know. sowwie.

I'm really unhappy.

I was happy. What happened?

Dating

2009-03-19T21:20:00.002-04:00
I'm going out with Jeremy again. I had to end things with Fred and it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. I hate it so much. I want him in my life but it is to difficult. I'm trying to be happy that I'm with Jeremy again but all these bad things are happening cuz of it, its hard to just focus on him.

Fmylife.com - FML #323384

2009-03-17T01:23:00.002-04:00
http://www.fmylife.com/images/logo400.jpg

Posted using ShareThis

This would sooo happen to me

oh no

2009-03-16T01:59:00.001-04:00
I'm back to being confused again. Always happens when I see Jeremy. It was nice seeing him though. I don't know how he's feeling. He seems lonely. We sort of talked about Fred. He doesn't like that I have sex with him and I don't blame him. I don't know Jeremy says a lot of shit so I don't know if he misses me. He seemed sad when I said I really like Fred. Though I don't know if I wouldn't still jump at the chance to be with him again. sigh. I wish things were simple.

I'm getting tired of being single and I want a relationship that won't end in a couple of weeks.

oh jeez

2009-03-15T06:52:00.001-04:00
Me + Fred = Love

I need sleep! it's 6:30 am and I can't sleep. So my weekend didn't turn out the way I planned. It had it's ups and downs. Tim, Me, and Fred had our issues but we tried to all be together. Though they both get jealous.

Jeremy told me that he likes Kassy or liked or w/e it is now. It made me realized why he was such a asshole motherfucker to me. He liked someone else and I was in the way annoying him. He liked her and tried to have sex with her and I was of no use anymore. He liked her and want to talk to her not me. He liked her and wanted to see her and not me. He liked her and wanted to be nice to her not me. He liked her and didn't want me anymore cuz he got sick of me and thought a causal sex thing with her is so much better cuz they had some deep connection bullshit. Yea and people call me the whore when I am not in the least doing causal sex or ever want to anymore.

I am happy right now it's a fucking miracle.

Now I need sleep or Jaden's hyperiness will be the death of me seriously.

fun day

2009-03-11T22:31:00.001-04:00
I had a nice day today. My dad can't pick up Jaden for the rest of the week. Tim said he would and try to for everyday. Also bring Jaden to Jeremy's house on Friday for this weekend. He says his car isn't safe. hmmm. Me and Tim picked up the car seat and Jaden. We went to IHOP yay in west Springfield. Then we went to Kmart to buy diapers. Jaden was being a royal pain the butt. I still need to pay my cable bill and return my clothes that don't fit at Marshalls. It's been a nice week so far :)

damn it

2009-03-11T15:10:00.001-04:00
All I want right now is to see Jeremy. I want to drive over there right now. Jeremy would call me stalker or something. oh god I can't do this again I need to stop even if I do miss him. :(

Another Day of Shopping

2009-03-10T21:17:00.000-04:00
I went shopping at the Holyoke Mall with Tim and Fred. I bought 2 new bras and a shirt at this new store near DEBS. Also got a new iTouch and apple headphones with a remote and a mic. I wanted to go somewhere this weekend but Tim needs to do some Saint pattys thing with family in New Hampshire. I forgot about it guess that's why Nate is having a big party on Saturday and everyone is gonna get trashed. I doubt Jeremy would miss it.

I use to read this when I thought of getting back together with Jeremy (100th post woot)

2009-03-10T02:49:00.000-04:00
Since I was thinking of Jeremy in that way again I thought a blast to the past was needed.

You’re so full of shit Shirley you know that. EVERY single time we argue, I tell you why the fuck I’m mad at you. It's like you’re just not listening. I think it's sad that anyone who reads this blog is going to get such a distorted view of you and I.

Why don't I make this nice and clear right here and now so no one can dispute it. This will be my last post here.

I don't want to be with you. I don't want to date you. I don't want to marry you. I don't want to mess around with you. I don't want to hang out with you. I don't want anything to do with you outside of Jaden. I don't like you at all. You ruined my life in an irreparable way. and for that I will never forgive you. Whether you are or not, my OPINION of you is that you are a whore. Plain and simple. I can't make this any simpler.

PLEASE:

stop asking me to see you
stop asking me to go back out with you
stop asking me to marry you
leave me alone

WE ARE OVER. I don't care who's fault it is, because that doesn't change the fact that it is over.

Jeremy Lewis at 8:48am November 20
If you actually read what i wrote:

"I don't care who's fault it is" How is that saying your at fault for everything? Your the only one trying to assign blame to our shitty relationship.

You didn't just ask me to go to a dad's group. You asked me to go to the LAST dad's group (meaning i won't know anyone there and won't have known what's been going on) not to mention the dads groups aren't anything like the moms groups. The max we've ever had has been like 3-4 guys INCLUDING ME. Why the fuck would i go to that?

Then about your iTunes. I've been telling you for YEARS get a fucking debit card and your own account, because if I'm not around you won't be able to fix your own shit. In order to authorize your shit so you can use your stuff and still get your 1000 stupid free apps i have to register MY ACCOUNT which is linked to MY CREDIT CARD. Meaning you could get all psycho pissy at me and charge up anything you wanted. I'm not stupid enough to let that happen.

Now you don't see me making a thousand posts on my shit about what an asshole bitch slut you are do you? How about you quit fucking talking shit about me every god damn chance you get.

Jeremy Lewis at 8:48am November 20
P.S. I'm an asshole to YOU, not to everyone.

Shirley Carmona at 9:12am November 20
omg I never got 1000 apps and I never ever charged anything to ur credit card. I always bought gift cards u bastard and I never would cuz I'm not like that. and I know how much ur in debt and how ur trying to pay shit off. I'm not as heartless as u, I never even though about it being ur credit card. look my livejournal post to my facebook so when I'm mad and vent about u it comes here. and I have no clue how to undo it. it's was some import button that I can't seem to find twice.

p.s. ur just an asshole in general sowwie had to let it slip

Bitch Moment (Get Offended) :
The stupid thing is everytime I bitch or say something bitchy to Jeremy he is quick to post it on facebook or tell someone I'm bitching at him about something. He likes to make me the bad guy and people to be on his side on. Its understandable. I could say sowwie I didnt mean it a second later but that doesnt matter to Jeremy. He might think I'm a bitch for this and I'm wrong but if he really looked he would see I'm right. And what do I care the people he knows dont know me just know what Jeremy says about me. It could go both ways I guess. I had my moments of course when I'm angry but.........
I have changed and still changing for that matter. I'm not perfect but I can say I'm a better person now.

~~Can u Jeremy?~~

tim to me facebook thing

2009-03-10T00:55:00.000-04:00
1. Where you and I met:
online but if you want in person at the hadley mall for our first date.

2. Take a stab at my middle name:
Joann    (it's spelled Joanne)
3. How long you've known me:
6 years still going to
4. The last time that we saw each other:
today i spent the day with you. ill tell you it was nice just being with you and not fighting
5. Would I ever go sky diving?:
no i dont think so but then again you have shocked me before
6. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me:
i remember looking at you and i was in shock you where so pretty and i was so scared you wouldnt like me...but you looked like a goddess to me.
7. Am I funny?:
you can be but most of the time its when your mad :)
8. Can I sing?:
i think you sing very well
9. The best thing about me:
the best thing about you is how you always give us another try even when i dont deserve it not to mention you keep me in line and out of trouble.
10. What do I want to do more than anything?:
to get out of the house and just have a good life
11. What is one thing that you think I should do?:
Fine a way to be happy no matter what that means
12. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?:
you have this great talent for being a pain in my butt
13. Have you ever hugged me?:
yes and i try to as much as i can
14. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be:
i still like sweetie i mean ive only called you it for 5 years now
15. Your favorite memory of me:
my favorite memory of you is the first movie we saw togther. when i held you and all i could think of was how i never wanted the night to end and how you made me feel..i never wanna forget it.
16. If you could only say one thing to me before I died what would it be?
The only thing that would matter to me which is telling you that no matter what ive said or done that i love you now and forever and it will never change and you where the best thing to ever happen in my life.
17. If you could change one thing about me what would it be?
how pigheaded you can be ;)
18. If you had 1 nice thing to say about me what would it be?
how loving and caring you can be to a complete asshole.
19. Would you party all night with me?
i would if i could keep up with you
20. Am i someone who you would like to be stranded with on a desert island with?
well lets see....me and you alone on an island with me doing all the work and doing whatever you said, i would love every moment of it....but you would wanna kill me after a week lol
21. Will you re-post this so I can fill this out for you?  no but if you wanna put somthing back i would like a lot

parenting with someone u dont get along with

2009-03-09T23:49:00.004-04:00
I always feel bad when Jaden ask to see Jeremy. He was asking to see him today and a lot lately, it makes me sad to tell him he's not gonna come over. This is the one reason I hate when we dont talk anymore. I cant ask him to come over to see Jaden cuz knowing Jeremy he will make it into something like lets see I'm using Jaden and all the bullshit he has said in the past. It's just sad and really sad that Jeremy doesnt seem to care or hides really well. I mean if he wanted to see Jaden he would, i know neither of us want to see each other but still 4 days a month is pathetic. There's not even a daily phone call. The only other time he sees Jaden is if I ask him to pick him up or me and Jeremy r fucking again and he comes over. Grr this is why u should have a child with someone who actually likes u cuz then u won't become the reason ur child never sees his father.

Now I feel like shit again :(

I feel like a failure that I couldnt keep the love of my life or the father of my child and actually have a family. I fail. boo me.

Anyways guys keep asking me and hitting on me wanting to meet or wanting me to be their girlfriend and I really dont like it. Seriously I'm not as whoreish as everyone thinks. It just bothers me and I dont want to date or sleep around. Then wtf am I suppose to do? be a nun? Fuck that I doubt Jeremy has this problem.

amaziness (it could work)

2009-03-09T21:19:00.003-04:00
I was very bitchy and mad over not being able to finding my iTouch. Then I went shopping and it really does help to buy new clothes. And of course I look fabulous in them :) I got 2 pairs of jeans and two of the same shirt but one in purple and blue. Then a cute red tank top and one of those vests in gray. Also the upseting news my boobs are growing grrr. I couldn't even fit in a 34 C and now I have to return the bra I got. Plue the hello kitty pjs cuz my god damn boobs didnt fit. I needed new clothes cuz Spring Break is coming and plans are in the works for an adventure. Still trying to figure out the best place to go or if a Road Trip is needed. Also money too blah.

Hopefully Jaden will be watched. I mean for one thing my mom's van isnt working this week they need a new something something and the place was out of stock. SO getting Jaden to and from daycare is gonna be a nightmare. Plus I dont think my mom can get to work but idk they borrow Hanna's car but they cant do it all the time u know and maybe in the mornings but in the afternoon to pick up Jaden idk. Today my mom asked if I could get Jaden and I told her I couldn't. It's stressful but it has to be done u know. Also I have midterms this week so I cant stand home with Jaden. In the end things will work out and I'll do what I can.

iTouch

2009-03-09T16:08:00.000-04:00
I'm really fucking mad that I cant find my iTouch and that Jaden lost it. AND i have been looking and so has Tim for 2 ish days now. And if I dont find it im screwed cuz I cant get another one. ANd i love my iTouch wtf I always have it. One thing I probably couldnt live without. This blows!

Jaden Lewis Photo Album

2009-03-09T01:58:00.001-04:00

I thought I would try out iMovie but didnt have videos made so I made a photo album of Jaden's life so far basicly.

story of my life

2009-03-08T21:45:00.002-04:00
'Its ironic, we love those that ignore us and ignore those that love us.'

LoveGame- Lady GaGa

2009-03-08T20:14:00.002-04:00
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

I wanna kiss you
But if I do then I might miss you, babe
It's complicated and stupid
Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid
Guess he wants to play, wants to play
I love game, I love game

Hold me and love me
Just want touch you for a minute
Baby three seconds is in it for my heart to quit it

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Don't think too much, just bust that thick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game

I'm on a mission and it involves some heavy touching, yeah
You've indicated your interest, I'm educated in sex, yes
and now I want it bad, want it bad
I love game, I love game

Hold me and love me
Just want touch you for a minute
Baby three seconds is in it for my heart to quit it

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Don't think too much, just bust that thick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game

I can see you staring there from across the block
with a smile on your mouth and your hand on your c (huh!)
The story of us, it always starts the same
A boy and a girl and a (huh!) and a game

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game

Weekend love

2009-03-08T16:53:00.002-04:00
One of the better weekends I've had in a long time. I was actually happy and someone was actually happy to be around me and was saying how happy I make them instead of the usual "u make me so unhappy." I forgot how different I act with other people since I usually see the same people and being around them brings out the worst in me. I mean yea I'm bitchy and i maybe give u an attitude but at least he didnt take it how they do. Also got my period again grrrrrrrr!! There's no need to freak out at me for a moment of bitchiness. And when the moment is gone and I wanna hold u, u do it instead of pulling away cuz I'm acting like a bitch. And I fucking hate when the next day u say I ruined the whole day cuz I was such a bitch or was bitchy the whole time. There's no need for that everyone has their moments. I felt understood this weekend. U need patience to deal with me and Jeremy doesnt with me he's to quick to leave or fight or freak out over something that I probably didnt mean. But I can't say I have never been that way with Jeremy. He just gets under my skin sometimes that even the littlest thing could set me off. But enough about Jeremy he doesnt have anything to do with my life. I'm back to reality now where mostly everything sucks oh well it can't be the weekend forever. :P

Need to start going to the gym again. Have midterms then Spring Break! Maybe I can actually go somewhere this time. I was thinking of buying some tickets :) Though gotta figure out about Jaden hmmm.

shit

2009-03-06T14:27:00.001-05:00
my parents car is acting up and they need someone to pick up Jaden. crap!

Tim didnt tell me about this morons

2009-03-06T10:47:00.000-05:00
Amber Liimatainen
March 5 at 3:49pm
Reply
Tim told shirley about the post. If you read up more you would know.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Rebecca Sanborn
March 5 at 3:50pm
Reply
I can't the shit is too long for my phone:-)
*~*Becka*~*
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Amber Liimatainen
March 5 at 3:50pm
Reply
Ohhh
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Jeremy Lewis
March 5 at 3:51pm
Reply
I'm not friends with tim or shirley so I can't read that stuff.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Amber Liimatainen
March 5 at 3:52pm
Reply
I'm not friends with either of them. Both shady people if you ask me.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Nate Malecki
Add as Friend
March 5 at 4:03pm
Reply
Shirley is just a whore. Nothing really shady there. What you see is what you get. Tim is a sketchball and a half though.

Amy Purcell
March 5 at 7:44pm
Reply
hahaha to all of this. Jeremy, did you not see the loooooooong conversation between shirley and my boyfriend on my page a while back? She is a fucking NUTJOB. Whatever though.... she can keep being a hoe, and possibly (if she hasn't already) stop spreading the "gift that keeps on giving"

one of the people who thinks Jeremy is way out of line keeps sending me this. I'm not naming names but it sure isn't tim. morons all of them. Yea im a whore who has slept with 2 people for like 2 years now and just wants her ex bf but he's a complete asshole. And Jeremy isn't even friends with tim on facebook so why would he send it to him? Amber is a dumb bitch if she thinks that.

unforgiveable

2009-03-05T16:23:00.002-05:00
Do you guys think you could do me a favor, and if your not friends with shirley, please remove her as a friend from your facebook. She goes around adding all my friends so that she can watch what i say to people and most of the time just ends up bitching at me for whatever i say.

If your actually friends with her, then go ahead and keep her if you want, otherwise i would greatly appreciate you guys removing her.

Thank you all,
-Jeremy

Shirley
Between Nate Malecki, Kassy Mimitz, Amber Liimatainen, Rebecca Sanborn, Sun Lew, Adam Bushey, You, Shelly Hallock, John Meehan, Amy Purcell, Amy Taupier and Jeremy Lewis

Amy Taupier------------aww you poor kid

Rebecca Sanborn-----
I'll delete her when i'm actually near a computer:-) tomorrow
*~*Becka*~*

Nate Malecki----lol no skin off my back. I'll delete, mang.
Adam Bushey---------fuck yea :D

Amber Liimatainen----That I'd give you a big "Woot!" for the helll of it. :)
Jeremy Lewis
Somehow she already knows about it and has begun her bitching about this too.
Adam Bushey i kno i saw that ROFL TIM!!!!! DUN DUN DUN
Rebecca Sanborn O

(thanks to the person who send this to me)

This is upsetting. I dont use these people to check up on Jeremy. And I'm not friends with even some of the people he send it to. I started delete some of them already just cuz I cant stand it anymore. It hurts less if I delete them before they delete me. He has really gone to a new low. Now i know he tells these people all this shit about me and thats why they dont like me cuz of his lies and his one sided stories. But to actually tell people to not be friends with me is just hateful and cold. I didnt know he was so ugly inside and had an big enough ego to think that. I'm not bitching but he's a dirtbag for doing this. I really thought deep down he cared about me that if i kept trying he would see that he needs to stop judging me and living in the past cuz im not the same person, im not as horrible as he says.

I already dont have any friends. I put Jeremy above everyone else. I never saw anyone cuz he was around a lot and no one really liked him and i told them that Jeremy was there to stay and they told me i was an idiot for picking him. Now I dont click good with girls and anyone i did Jeremy always messed it up one way or another the friendship ended. I am better with guys but Jeremy didnt want me hanging around guys. It was a fight to keep tim and Jeremy force me to give him up once or twice. And tim would also try to make me choose him or Jeremy. But I couldnt give Jeremy up, i love him more than anything.

It's not all his fault I changed. There was other guys. Guys flirting with me and me too. I changed though and he still thinks i'm that same person. I would give up almost anything to be with him again and that is so sad cuz he doesnt deserve it.

This is the hardest thing that I have to do and it's really breaking my heart and I can bearly see from the tears now.

what i thought when u were talking

2009-03-05T14:11:00.000-05:00
look jeremy i dont cause trouble for u ok. i would be nice to u if u could not ruin everything all the time. i cant talk eat do anything without u saying something negative. i dont deserve how u treat me cuz all i ever wanted was u. and i cant ever have it and i hate it and i hate u. if u actually wanted to be with me i wouldn't be what i am right now. Sometimes I wish I never met u so i wouldn't be so fucking crazy when it comes to u. ur mean and rude and couldn't care less about my feelings. Ur not who i fell in love with and I wish he would come back so I can start being myself again and not some crazy jealous bitch.

The real u is rare to see and when he comes out I try to hold on to him for dear life but is always thrown overboard cuz he has to make everything so hard and himself so impossible to love.

I want so much for everything i say to u to not be turned into a fight or u take as something its not. I bearly get to say anything or try to explain that its not what u think and ur taking it the wrong way. I'm sick of feeling used and helpless.

What's the point of being nice to u? It makes me look weak and makes it hurt more when u tell me u hate me and i make u unhappy and u dont wanna see me. But I'm sick of hearing all i do is bitch at him.

Jaden has a appt in an hour gotta get ready

me dancing around like a loser cuz im bored

2009-03-04T14:16:00.001-05:00

im so stupid sometimes. This is what I do when I'm bored.

I wish I could get a cheaper apartment

2009-03-03T18:44:00.001-05:00

I would like a cheap apartment in a different place.

sex and the city

2009-03-03T00:07:00.002-05:00
Omg. I just realized my love life is like carrie and Mr. big. That is so sad. Though they get married at the end of the movie after he stands her up and a year goes by. But it's like 10 years in the making.

Randomness: I want a big juciy burger right now!

why am I like this?

2009-03-02T22:41:00.003-05:00
Jeremy is at the not talking to me stage again. I dont even know what he's doing. I text him and he didn't answer. And of course I'm at the paranoid stage. ugh.

Stupid snow day. Jaden is very cranky and hungry 24/7.

I havent been to the gym in forever and should probably go tomorrow or something. Though I look like shit and shouldn't be out in public.

There is no food in my house that I would actually eat except candy hmm....problem big problem.

Broke. need to pay bills.buy food. and a million things I cant think of at the moment.

I do need a job. oh well. my rent is just so high and pretty much sucks ass.

Fred wants to see me this week but idk for some reason i'm having second thoughts. But why? I mean Jeremy wants to move on and i'm not important anymore. I mean he can go days weeks without talking or thinking about me. He doesnt wanna hang out include me in his plans or life. I'm a nobody to him, oh i forgot all i am is one of his baby mamas(there will be more).

If we didn't have Jaden together we wouldnt even speak or see each other. I wouldnt be some sex thing instead of being in a real relationship.

ugh why am i thinking this? life sucks seriously.

thinking isnt helpful

2009-03-01T19:55:00.002-05:00
I don't understand Jeremy much. How can he expect me to make him happy when he tells me he never wants to be with me and tells me to leave him alone and doesn't want to talk to me. Like today he acted all mad pissy when i said bye. I'm like what was that about and he's like its the way u said it. What im suppose to say bye happily when he's leaving cuz he hates me and doesnt want to be around me? I cant be nice to him when all i can think about all the mean things he says and how he hates everything about me and just has sex with me cuz he's not with someone at the moment. The only time im happy or nice is when I think there's hope like before he freaked out.

I just finished the break-up diet. It was good. I saw it on a someone's blog and i got an email for the ebook download so i read it in preview. I am trying to make sense of my life after my break up but im still not there. I'm just confused on what to actually do. move on keep trying its hard when Jeremy changes his mind 24/7. He wants to leave and I don't want him to. I want more and he wants less. I love him and he hates me/loves me sort of. I mean he doesnt really say it anymore and mostly if i say it first. sigh. I hate this part. I'm at the point where I dont even want him going out at all cuz he will find some chick who will have sex with him. And like he said he doesnt tell me anything anymore and we dont even talk about anything real. If he actually wanted to be with me things would be different between us. I wouldnt be as bitchy paranoid crying about how i dont even matter moody bitter annoyed. Jeremy is just scared thats why he picks fights and has whole blow outs over nuthin and ruins things when its finally not horrible.

Now were back at the beginning. I'm sick of always going backwards. I wanna move forward. With him or without him but I'm sick of being stuck in the past. I wanna move forward together but what I want never happens anymore.

skanky hello kitty

2009-02-28T19:16:00.003-05:00
This is skanky hello kitty. Jeremy got it for me yesterday for my birthday as u know. I love it :)

shitty birthday

2009-02-28T00:10:00.000-05:00
what a shitty birthday. oh well didnt expect anything much. Jeremy took me to build a bear and got me a hello kitty bear. Which was nice of him since he never wants to be with me again cuz he's not fucking "happy" with me. Jeremy almost blew me off(cuz i got mad that he said" and that's why i dont tell u anything"), he was mocking me in the car cuz i was naming off states on plates, he comments on how i eat and walk all the time. He cant just leave it alone he has to pick at me. I had to put my headphones on cuz i couldnt take it I would of bitch him out the whole day. Oh well i cant expect him to ever admit it and it just makes me mad. Im just gonna eat food and watch tv.

Birthday

2009-02-27T01:43:00.000-05:00
ITS MY MOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

its gonna be really boring cuz i will get no gifts and will probably do nuthin possibly not sure yet. Im gonna see tim maybe and Jeremy. Its also his weekend with Jaden.
Publish Post

web badges

2009-02-26T23:11:00.000-05:00

Shirley Carmona http://www.bebo.com/insanechicka33

it just is

2009-02-26T01:49:00.001-05:00
tomorrow is my birthday and I see I'm gonna be alone like always while everyone is with everyone else. I don't see much people as it is usually only tim and jeremy.

tim won't talk to me he's to busy being an asshole doing the usual thing he does when we fight. see that katie bitch do w/e he wants with her and everyone else. it makes me sick and hurts my feelings but he doesn't give a shit about me or how I feel.

anyways I have an exam today. which totally sucks so bad. and the fact no more video chats :( also sucks. My computer isn't really working on my iPod right now. I just threw up on myself really ducking gross. I couldn't stop coughing and that's basicly how that happened.

I'm hungry. I'm lonely. I'm hot. my hair is just gross and I'm sick of vomit. I'll be better and so will Jaden. He fell asleep on the couch and I think my bed is safe enough to sleep on.

sick

2009-02-21T15:36:00.001-05:00
I'm to fucking sick to do any sort of video blog and I look like shit anyways so that's soooo not happening. I've been sick for like a week it's annoying. but I feel like I'm getting soo hopefully I can do my exams on tuesday and Thursday. Jaden is going to a double birthday party at 5. I'm hungry and trying to eat something that would make me sick or taste like shitty shit shit.

fifth video blog

2009-02-17T19:28:00.002-05:00

fourth video blog

2009-02-11T18:14:00.002-05:00

Third Video Blog

2009-02-10T03:28:00.002-05:00

second video blog

2009-02-09T05:11:00.002-05:00

First Video Blog

2009-02-08T13:42:00.002-05:00

grrrrrr video blogging

2009-02-08T06:53:00.000-05:00
Its not working I cant figure it out. i cant use youtube cuz its saying file fail to small and i cant use blogger cuz video from macjournal doesnt have right format or something and the add video button keeps disappearing. one moment its there and then its done wtf.

Sandi's Birthday video

2009-02-08T06:42:00.002-05:00

trying to figure out how to post videos

Welcome to MacJournal!

2009-02-06T18:31:00.000-05:00

Welcome

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	Ke$ha - Your Love Is My Drug .mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine